Life Shrinks or Expands in Proportion to Your Courage
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” — Anaïs Nin
It’s a simple sentence, but one of the most profound truths about growth, freedom, and fulfillment. Life doesn’t just happen, it expands when we step into the things that scare us, the opportunities that challenge us, and the moments that demand courage.
Yet, most of us hold back. Why? Because fear shows up. And fear can feel very real.
Why Fear Is Normal (And How It Works in Your Brain)
Fear is not your enemy. It’s a signal. A deeply biological one. Your amygdala, the part of your brain that responds to threats, doesn’t distinguish between physical danger and emotional or social risk.
This means when you:
Speak up in a meeting
Start a new project
Apply for a promotion
Ask someone out
Speak your truth
Your body can respond the same way it would if a tiger were chasing you: racing heart, tight chest, shallow breathing, and the urge to freeze or flee.
If you’ve experienced trauma, stress, or unpredictability, your nervous system might be even more sensitive. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human.
Confidence Comes After Action
Here’s a myth we all fall for:
“Once I feel confident, I’ll take action.”
Neuroscience shows the opposite. Confidence isn’t a prerequisite. It’s a byproduct of action.
Each time you step into fear and do the thing anyway:
Your nervous system learns safety
New neural pathways are formed
Your self-trust grows
Avoiding the thing may feel safe in the moment—but over time, life gets smaller.
Courage Is a Nervous System Muscle
Courage isn’t loud or dramatic. It’s quiet, consistent, and deeply embodied. Think of your nervous system like a comfort zone bubble. Inside is familiar. Outside is growth. Courage gently stretches this bubble.
Small brave acts, speaking your truth, showing up for yourself, taking one action toward your dream, teach your body:
“I can feel fear and still be safe.”
Your Challenge This Week
Identify one courageous action you’ve been avoiding. Not huge. Not perfect. Just one. Then, do it.
Notice how it feels to take life into your own hands. Notice the confidence, the clarity, and the expansion that follows.
Because life doesn’t grow all at once, it grows in proportion to your courage.
Listen & Learn More
I dive even deeper into this topic on my latest podcast episode: Life Shrinks or Expands in Proportion to Your Courage. I break down the science of fear, how courage physically expands your nervous system, and give you actionable steps to start living bigger today.
A Vision Board Without Action Is Just a Dream
Why Clarity Alone Doesn’t Change Your Life
Vision boards are powerful tools for clarity.
They help you name what you want.
They help you see beyond your current circumstances.
They give your desires somewhere to land.
But clarity alone does not create change.
Without action, a vision remains an idea — not a lived experience.
This is where so many people get stuck: not in knowing what they want, but in moving toward it.
The Illusion of Progress
Visioning can feel like progress.
You feel inspired.
You feel hopeful.
You feel aligned.
Neurologically, that makes sense. Visualisation activates reward pathways in the brain, releasing dopamine — the same chemical involved in motivation and anticipation.
But dopamine without movement creates a problem.
Your brain gets the feeling of progress without the behaviour of progress. Over time, this can lead to stagnation, frustration, or a sense that “manifestation doesn’t work.”
It’s not that visioning is wrong.
It’s that visioning was never meant to replace action.
Why Action Is the Missing Piece
Action is what turns intention into reality.
But this is where many people misunderstand the assignment.
They think action has to be:
big
bold
immediate
life-altering
So when those actions feel overwhelming, they wait.
The result?
More visioning. More planning. More waiting.
Aligned action is different.
It’s not about how impressive the action looks — it’s about whether it moves you closer to your vision in real, tangible ways.
Action Trains the Nervous System
Your nervous system learns through experience.
It doesn’t update because you want something.
It updates because you do something and survive it.
Each small action teaches your body:
“This is unfamiliar, but I’m okay.”
That’s why action — even small, imperfect action — is so powerful.
It builds:
self-trust
emotional resilience
momentum
None of which come from vision boards alone.
What Aligned Action Actually Looks Like
Aligned action is:
sending the email instead of drafting it ten times
sharing the idea before you feel ready
booking the session, posting the offer, starting the project
following through on one decision instead of reconsidering it endlessly
It’s action that matches your current capacity, not your fantasy self.
You don’t need to leap — you need to move.
Reverse-Engineering From the Vision (Without Overthinking)
A helpful question is:
“What is one action that directly supports this vision?”
Not ten.
Not the perfect one.
Just one.
If your vision board includes:
More freedom → take action that reduces one constraint
More confidence → take action that involves visibility
More income → take action that allows people to pay you
Action doesn’t have to feel good.
It just has to be honest.
When Vision and Action Work Together
Vision shows you the direction.
Action creates the momentum.
One without the other leads to either:
dreaming without movement
or movement without meaning
When you pair vision with action, you move out of wishing and into living.
So if your vision board has been calling to you lately, ask yourself:
What action have I been postponing because it feels uncomfortable, not impossible?
That’s your next step. 🤍
Expectation Bias: How What You Believe About Yourself Shapes Your Reality (And How to Change It)
Have you ever noticed how some people seem to move through life with ease, confidence, and momentum; while others, equally capable, feel stuck, overlooked, or constantly hitting the same walls?
Often, the difference isn’t talent, intelligence, or even opportunity.
It’s belief.
More specifically, it’s something called expectation bias, the unconscious way our beliefs about ourselves shape what we notice, how we interpret events, and the outcomes we experience.
This concept was explored beautifully in Grace Beverley’s podcast conversation with Dr. Shade Zahrai, and it opens the door to a much deeper understanding of why change can feel so hard, and why it’s also absolutely possible.
Let’s explore the science behind expectation bias, how it shows up in real life, and, most importantly, how to gently and effectively shift it.
What Is Expectation Bias?
Expectation bias is a cognitive bias where what we expect to be true influences what we perceive as true.
In other words:
Your brain filters reality based on what it already believes.
If you believe:
“I’m not good enough”
“This never works out for me”
“I always get rejected”
“I’m bad with money / relationships / consistency”
Your brain will unconsciously scan your environment for evidence that confirms that belief — and overlook evidence that contradicts it.
This isn’t because you’re pessimistic or broken.
It’s because your brain is designed to conserve energy and maintain consistency.
The Neuroscience: Why Beliefs Feel So Real
From a neuroscience perspective, beliefs are not just thoughts, they are neural patterns.
Every time you think a thought, your brain fires a specific network of neurons. The more often you repeat that thought, the stronger and more automatic that pathway becomes.
This is known as neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to wire and rewire itself based on repeated experience.
So when you repeatedly think:
“I’m going to fail”
Your brain strengthens the pathway associated with fear, threat, and avoidance. Over time, that belief feels like fact — not because it is true, but because it is familiar.
Your nervous system then responds accordingly:
Increased anxiety
Hesitation
Self-doubt
Avoidance of risk
Which then creates outcomes that appear to confirm the belief.
Psychology Research: The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
One of the most famous studies illustrating expectation bias is the Pygmalion Effect.
In 1968, psychologists Rosenthal and Jacobson told teachers that certain students were expected to “bloom” academically, even though these students were chosen at random.
By the end of the year, those students significantly outperformed their peers.
Why?
Because the teachers’ expectations subtly changed:
How much encouragement they gave
How patient they were
How much attention they offered
The students didn’t change, the expectations around them did.
This same mechanism applies internally.
Your expectations about yourself influence:
How you speak to yourself
How much effort you apply
Whether you persevere or give up
Whether you see setbacks as feedback or proof of failure
Expectation Bias in Everyday Life
Career & Purpose
If you expect rejection, you may:
Avoid applying for opportunities
Undervalue your skills
Downplay your achievements
Even when you do succeed, your brain may dismiss it as “luck” rather than capability.
Relationships
If you believe you’re unlovable or “too much,” you may:
Over-function or people-please
Push people away emotionally
Choose emotionally unavailable partners
Your expectation shapes your relational behaviour long before anyone else gets a say.
Health & Wellbeing
If you believe:
“I can’t stick to things”
“My body always lets me down”
You’re more likely to give up early, skip self-care, or interpret normal setbacks as failure.
How to Identify Your Expectation Bias
Expectation bias is subtle, but it leaves clues.
1. Look for Repeating Patterns
Ask yourself:
Where do I feel perpetually stuck?
What outcomes keep repeating despite my effort?
Patterns often point to beliefs operating beneath awareness.
2. Notice Your Automatic Self-Talk
Pay attention to thoughts that start with:
“I always…”
“I never…”
“This never works for me…”
These are belief statements, not facts.
3. Journal These Prompts
What do I expect to happen when I try?
What feels “impossible” for me, and why?
When did I first start believing this?
Many beliefs originate in childhood, early relationships, cultural messaging, or moments of emotional pain.
How to Change Expectation Bias (Without Forcing Positivity)
This isn’t about pretending everything is fine or repeating affirmations you don’t believe.
It’s about creating new evidence for your nervous system.
1. Gently Challenge the Belief
Instead of asking, “Is this true?” try:
“Is this the only possible explanation?”
“What evidence exists outside this belief?”
This reduces defensiveness and opens curiosity.
2. Use Mental Rehearsal
Visualization isn’t woo — it’s neuroscience.
When you vividly imagine yourself succeeding, your brain activates similar neural pathways as if the event were actually happening.
Start small:
Visualise sending the email
Having the conversation
Showing up confidently
This helps your nervous system expect success instead of threat.
3. Create Micro-Wins
Beliefs change through experience, not logic alone.
Choose actions so small they feel almost insignificant, and complete them consistently.
Each completed action becomes evidence:
“Maybe I can do this.”
4. Regulate the Nervous System
Expectation bias is deeply linked to safety.
If your body associates growth with danger, your brain will default to old beliefs.
Practices like:
EFT tapping
Breathwork
Self-holding
Gentle movement
Help the body feel safe enough to adopt new expectations.
5. Change the Environment
Your beliefs are shaped socially.
Spend time with people who:
Normalize growth
Model self-trust
Reflect your potential back to you
Belief is contagious.
A Simple Integration Practice
Take one belief you identified earlier.
Write it down exactly as it shows up.
Rewrite it as a neutral, believable alternative (not an extreme positive).
Example:
From: “I always fail.”
To: “I am learning how to succeed differently.”
Choose one small action this week that aligns with the new belief.
Reflect afterward:
What did I notice?
What surprised me?
What shifted in my perception?
Final Thoughts
Expectation bias isn’t a flaw, it’s a feature of the human brain.
But once you become aware of it, you gain choice.
You can begin to ask:
“What am I expecting, and is that expectation helping or harming me?”
Your beliefs shape your perception.
Your perception shapes your actions.
Your actions shape your life.
And the most empowering part?
Beliefs can be unlearned, and rewritten, with compassion, consistency, and care.
🎧 Want to Go Deeper?
Listen to the full podcast episode where we explore the science, real-life examples, and guided exercises to help you rewire expectation bias at a nervous-system level.
The Science Behind Why Women Don’t Ask For More and How to Change It
Many women don’t struggle to ask because they don’t know their worth. They struggle because, in their body, asking doesn’t feel safe.
You can be capable, committed, emotionally intelligent, and deeply valuable and still freeze when it comes time to ask for more. More pay. More rest. More recognition. More space.
This hesitation isn’t a mindset issue.
It’s a learned safety response shaped by biology, conditioning, and lived experience.
Understanding this changes everything, because once you know why asking feels hard, you can stop blaming yourself and start working with your nervous system instead of against it.
1. Social Conditioning & Early Reinforcement
From a young age, girls are more likely to be rewarded for:
being compliant
being helpful
being emotionally attuned to others
Studies show that women are more often praised for behaviour that maintains harmony, while boys are encouraged to assert, compete, and negotiate. Over time, this creates an internal rule:
Connection is more important than self-advocacy.
So when a woman asks for more, her nervous system may interpret it as a threat to belonging — even when the situation is professional and appropriate.
How to work with this:
Start reframing asking as relational honesty, not disruption. Clear communication actually strengthens trust — it doesn’t break it.
2. The Nervous System: Asking Can Trigger a Threat Response
When you ask for something that could change dynamics; money, time, boundaries, your nervous system assesses risk.
If past experiences taught you that:
speaking up led to conflict
needs were ignored
or asking resulted in rejection
Then your body may move into:
fight (over-defending, over-justifying)
flight (avoiding the conversation)
freeze (going blank, shutting down)
fawn (softening, apologising, minimising)
This is not weakness.
It’s protective wiring.
How to work with this:
Regulation comes before communication. Slow breathing, grounding, and self-touch signal safety to the body — making asking possible.
3. The Gender Pay Gap & Internalised Undervaluing
Research consistently shows that women:
negotiate less frequently
ask for lower amounts
and are more likely to accept initial offers
This isn’t because women lack ambition, it’s because women face higher social penalties for assertiveness. Studies show that assertive women are more likely to be perceived as “difficult” or “unlikeable.”
Over time, this leads to internalised undervaluing, where women unconsciously lower their expectations to avoid rejection.
How to work with this:
Separate your worth from others’ comfort. Being liked is not the same as being respected and you are allowed to prioritise fairness over approval.
4. Why Over-Explaining Feels Safer (But Isn’t Necessary)
Over-explaining is a self-protective behaviour. It’s an attempt to:
pre-empt rejection
justify your needs
soften the impact of asking
But research in communication psychology shows that clear, concise requests are perceived as more confident and credible, not less kind.
How to work with this:
Practice stating your request in one or two sentences. Pause. Let the silence do some of the work.
Practical Tools to Ask for What You Deserve (In Depth)
Tool 1: The Regulation-to-Request Framework
Before asking, regulate.
Before explaining, pause.
Before apologising, breathe.
A regulated body leads to a regulated conversation.
Tool 2: The Evidence Anchor
Write down:
your tenure
responsibilities
impact
Read this before the conversation to ground your sense of worth in facts, not fear.
Tool 3: Script the Ask (Then Soften the Tone, Not the Message)
Examples:
“I’d like to discuss a pay review.”
“I’m looking for growth and recognition in this role.”
“I’d like to explore additional holiday or flexibility.”
Tone can be warm.
Message should be clear.
Tool 4: Practice Holding the Pause
After you ask, stop talking.
Silence is not failure.
It’s confidence.
Your nervous system may want to fill the gap, let the other person respond.
Tool 5: Decouple Asking from Outcome
Whether the answer is yes, no, or “not right now,” your worth remains unchanged.
Asking builds self-trust, regardless of the result.
Tool 6: Build Asking Muscle Gradually
Start small:
ask for clarity
ask for support
ask for time
Confidence grows through repetition, not force.
Women don’t struggle to ask because they lack ambition.
They struggle because their bodies learned that safety lived in accommodation.
But safety can be rebuilt.
And when women feel safe enough to ask:
their nervous systems settle
their voices strengthen
their lives expand
Asking is not entitlement.
It’s self-respect in action.
Imposter Syndrome Isn’t a Sign You’re Failing, It’s a Sign You’re Growing
Have you ever felt like you’re pretending your way through life, like one day, someone will “find out” you’re not as capable as you seem?
That feeling has a name: imposter syndrome. And the truth is, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. Often, it means you’re stretching, growing, and stepping into something new.
I know this firsthand. A recent conversation with an old friend reminded me how visible this pattern is in my life. He remembered me during my master’s, anxious, unsure, and constantly in my head. And now, he sees someone who appears confident, someone who seems to throw herself into things fearlessly.
But the truth? Confidence didn’t come first. Fear, doubt, and imposter syndrome were still there. I simply learned how to move with it.
What Imposter Syndrome Really Is
Psychologically, imposter syndrome is a pattern of self-doubt. It shows up as:
Attributing success to luck or external factors
Downplaying your competence
Fearing exposure as “not good enough”
Neuroscience helps explain why this happens. Your brain’s primary job is survival, not self-belief. When you step into something new; a role, identity, or level of visibility, your nervous system registers novelty. Novelty can feel unsafe.
Your brain then:
Scans for mistakes
Heightens self-monitoring
Becomes hyper-critical
This is why imposter syndrome often appears after growth, not before it. You don’t feel like an imposter because you’re incapable — you feel like one because your system hasn’t yet gathered enough evidence of safety.
“Feeling like an imposter doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re stretching beyond what’s familiar.”
Why Confidence Doesn’t Come First
Society often tells us: “Just believe in yourself” or “Be more confident”. But confidence isn’t a prerequisite, it’s a by-product.
Psychology calls this self-efficacy: your belief in your ability to handle challenges. Self-efficacy grows when you:
Try
Survive
Reflect
Repeat
Not when you wait for fear to disappear.
The sequence looks like this:
Action → Evidence → Belief → Confidence
Most of us try to reverse it:
“Once I feel confident, I’ll do it.”
But the brain needs proof, not promises.
My Sales Journey: Belief Built Through Action
When I started in sales, I didn’t take the job because I felt capable. I took it because my confidence was so low. I felt like a shell of myself.
My coaches told me:
“We’re going to believe in you until you believe in yourself.”
At first, it felt strange, even uncomfortable. But that “borrowed belief” gave me safety to take action, even before I trusted myself fully.
I didn’t suddenly feel fearless. I didn’t suddenly feel ready. But each small action, each surviving experience, slowly built belief from the inside out.
How I Built Belief: Practical Tools
Here are some methods that helped me shift imposter syndrome into action and self-trust:
1. Stack Small Wins
Reflect daily on one thing that went well.
Over time, these small wins provide undeniable evidence of competence.
2. The Impact Folder
Screenshots of praise, achievements, and milestones.
When self-doubt hits, review the folder. Your brain responds to evidence, not reassurance alone.
3. Borrow Perspective
Ask a trusted person: “What do you see as my strengths?”
External perspectives are a starting point, not a crutch.
4. Take Action with Fear Present
Use Mel Robbins’ 5-second rule: count 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… and act.
When sharing something publicly or being visible, post it and step away from overthinking. Go for a walk, breathe, reset.
Overthinking amplifies nervous system threat signals; action + regulation teaches your brain safety.
Reflection Prompts
What’s one area in your life where fear has been holding you back?
What small, repeatable action could you take today to start building evidence for yourself?
Who can help you “mirror” your strengths when self-doubt is loud?
Take a moment to journal on these questions, it’s one of the simplest ways to begin retraining your nervous system around belief.
Reframing Imposter Syndrome
Feeling like an imposter doesn’t mean you’re behind. It means you’re growing.
That anxious version of yourself?
They’re not failing. They’re becoming.
“Confidence isn’t the absence of fear. It’s courage in motion — moving even when fear is present.”
Take action, stack your evidence, and let belief catch up.
Want to go deeper?
🎧 Listen to the full podcast episode where I share more of my story, the science behind imposter syndrome, and additional tools to build belief
Becoming the Woman Your Younger Self Needed
A practical guide to inner child healing & nervous system re-parenting
At some point in your healing journey, you realise that becoming your “higher self” isn’t about becoming a brand-new woman, it’s about becoming the woman your younger self always needed.
A woman who is regulated.
A woman who is gentle with herself.
A woman who doesn’t abandon her needs.
A woman who creates emotional safety inside her own body.
This is the foundation of inner child healing and nervous system work — and in this post, we’re going to break it down in a clear, grounded, practical way.
1. Why This Work Matters (The Psychology Behind It)
Your inner child is not just a metaphor.
It’s a part of your subconscious nervous system that formed during childhood and still influences how you think, react, and relate today.
When you grew up with:
• emotional neglect
• cultural pressure
• high expectations
• chaos or unpredictability
• having to grow up too fast
• feeling unseen or unheard
…your nervous system adapted around it.
That younger version of you learned:
what was safe
what wasn’t
what love required
which emotions were acceptable
which parts of yourself needed to hide
Those learned patterns now show up as your adult behaviours:
people-pleasing, perfectionism, shrinking yourself, overworking, fear of saying no, emotional shutdown, etc.
Becoming the woman she needed is about re-teaching your body a new way of being.
2. Why Old Patterns Still Show Up (Even When You’re Healing)
A lot of women tell me:
“I know better now… so why do I still react like I’m that younger version of me?”
The answer is:
Because your nervous system follows familiarity, not logic.
If your body learned that love = overgiving
or safety = staying quiet
or belonging = being the strong one…
…it will automatically pull you back into those patterns until it feels safe enough to choose differently.
This is why healing takes repetition, not force.
3. What “Becoming Her” Actually Looks Like
(Practical, real-life examples you can use right now)
This isn’t about an aesthetic, a routine, or being perfect.
It’s about micro-moments of self-parenting throughout your day.
✨ 1. Emotional Safety: Responding Instead of Reacting
Your younger self needed someone who could sit with her feelings, not shame them.
Practice:
When you get triggered or overwhelmed, try saying:
“I hear you. You’re allowed to feel this. I’m not leaving you.”
This interrupts the abandonment wound and calms the nervous system.
✨ 2. Rest Without Guilt
If rest was unsafe growing up (because rest = being told you’re lazy, or rest wasn’t modeled) your body will resist it.
Practice:
Give yourself 10 minutes a day where rest is intentionally chosen.
Not earned.
Not justified.
Chosen.
✨ 3. Boundaries That Don’t Feel Like Conflict
Most women weren’t taught boundaries — they were taught compliance.
Practice:
Start with “low stakes” boundaries:
• “I can’t today but thank you for thinking of me.”
• “I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”
• “I need a bit more time.”
You’re training your younger self that her needs matter.
✨ 4. Allowing Softness (Instead of Always Being the Strong One)
If you were the caretaker, the peacemaker, or the emotional support system growing up, softness may feel unsafe.
Practice:
Choose one moment each day to receive support instead of giving it, even if that means letting someone hold the door, or saying “actually, I do need help.”
✨ 5. Creating a Safe Inner Environment
Your younger self didn’t need you to be perfect — she needed you to be consistent.
Practice:
Build one daily ritual that communicates safety:
• breathwork
• EFT tapping
• a grounding walk
• self-holding
• nervous system down-regulation
• journaling
• reading
• setting one boundary
These small signals rewire your system faster than one big breakthrough.
4. Signs You Are Becoming the Woman She Needed
You’ll know it’s happening when:
• you bounce back from triggers faster
• you speak to yourself more kindly
• you stop chasing people
• you no longer tolerate emotional crumbs
• you rest without feeling guilty
• your decisions feel grounded
• you choose environments that feel calm
• peace feels normal, not boring
These are signs your nervous system is shifting — not just your mindset.
5. The Truth Is: She’s Not Gone. She’s Waiting.
Your younger self isn’t lost or broken.
She’s a part of you that’s been waiting for someone — you — to show her a different kind of life.
A safe life.
A softer life.
A life where she is chosen, protected, and heard.
And every time you make one tiny self-honouring choice, you become the woman she needed…
And the woman you were always meant to be.
Why the Year Doesn’t Begin in January (According to Nature & History)
Every January, we’re encouraged to start again.
Set goals. Become new. Push forward.
Yet for many people, this energy feels forced, even alienating.
That’s because the idea of January as a “beginning” is relatively modern, and largely cultural, not natural.
Time Before Calendars
Before calendars existed, humans organised life by what mattered most:
• Daylight
• Seasons
• Food cycles
• Survival
Winter was not a time to begin, it was a time to endure, rest, and conserve energy.
Growth in winter would have been dangerous.
Why Spring Marked the New Year
Across many ancient cultures, the year began in spring because spring marked:
• The return of light
• The thawing of the land
• Planting season
• Reproduction and fertility
• Expansion after contraction
The earliest Roman calendar began in March, which is why months like September (seven) and October (eight) are numerically misaligned today.
This wasn’t symbolic, it was practical.
The Gregorian Calendar Context
The January New Year comes from the Gregorian calendar, formalised under Christian Europe and designed for governance, taxation, and religious observance.
It helped organise society, but it was never designed to reflect human biology, emotional cycles, or the nervous system.
When we confuse administrative time with natural time, we experience burnout, shame, and a constant sense of being “behind.”
What January Is Actually For
January is a liminal month, a pause between endings and true beginnings.
In nature, winter is for:
• Repair
• Integration
• Reflection
• Energy conservation
Humans are no different.
This is why January often brings:
• Low motivation
• Emotional processing
• Fatigue
• A desire to withdraw
Nothing has gone wrong, this is regulation, not failure.
Reclaiming a More Honest Relationship With Time
When we work with natural cycles instead of forcing ourselves against them:
• Our nervous system feels safer
• Productivity becomes sustainable
• Growth happens organically
• Self-trust returns
Spring will ask for movement.
January asks for honesty.
A Closing Reflection
Instead of asking, “What should I be doing by now?”
Try asking:
“What is this season asking of me?”
Nature always knows.
We just forgot how to listen.
Reflecting on Your Year: How to Honour the Challenges and Celebrate the Wins
The end of the year is a natural time to pause, look back, and reflect, but reflection only works if it’s honest and useful. This year has been full of endings, lessons, and growth, and I want to share a way to approach your own reflection so you can leave this year with clarity, self-respect, and gratitude.
1. Acknowledge the Heavy Seasons
Sometimes reflection begins with admitting: this year was hard.
Think about the moments that stretched you, challenged you, or forced you to grow.
For me, it was navigating family health crises while balancing work, coaching, and personal life.
Reflection prompt:
What were your most challenging moments this year?
How did they make you stronger or more aware of your needs?
2. Honour the Courageous Endings
Walking away from roles, projects, or people that no longer serve us is rarely easy.
It’s courageous. It’s necessary. It’s self-love in action.
Reflection prompt:
Where did you have to walk away or let go this year?
How did that choice show you your own worth?
3. Celebrate Your Wins
Even in heavy years, wins exist. Small or large, personal or professional, they are worth noticing.
For me, some wins were:
Hosting my first Women’s Wellness Day
Launching my affirmation decks and sprays
Going full-time in my business
Doing my first in-person stall
Reflection prompt:
What are three wins, milestones, or moments of growth you’re proud of this year?
How did these moments shape your confidence, joy, or self-worth?
4. Relationships and Boundaries
This year taught me that you can love someone deeply but still choose yourself if the relationship isn’t aligned.
Recognising your worth in relationships — romantic, familial, or friendships — is one of the most powerful lessons of all.
Reflection prompt:
Which relationships no longer align with who you’ve become?
Where did you set boundaries that protected your peace?
What lessons did your relationships teach you this year?
5. Guided Reflection Questions
To close your year intentionally, answer these questions:
What challenged you most, and what did it reveal about your strength?
What were your biggest emotional, spiritual, or personal wins?
Where did you show courage you haven’t fully acknowledged?
Who or what did you outgrow this year?
What patterns or habits are you ready to leave behind?
What boundaries protected your peace?
What moments made you feel fully alive?
What parts of yourself blossomed?
What do you want to take with you into next year — and what do you want to release?
Reflection isn’t about guilt or pressure. It’s about clarity, self-compassion, and honouring the journey you’ve walked. Take time, be gentle, and celebrate both the endings and the beginnings that this year brought.
Feeling behind in life?
Why this feeling is a nervous system response, not a failure
We’ve all had those moments where it feels like the world is moving faster than we are.
Everyone seems to be buying homes, getting into healthy relationships, starting families, launching businesses, hitting milestones…
And suddenly you’re looking at your own life thinking:
“Am I behind?”
“Shouldn’t I be further ahead by now?”
If you’ve felt this recently, take a deep breath.
Because the feeling of “being behind” is almost never about your reality — it’s about your nervous system.
Let’s unravel this gently.
1. Feeling Behind Is Triggered by Survival Mode
When your body is in fight, flight, freeze or fawn, its number one job is to protect you.
A dysregulated nervous system becomes hypervigilant, constantly scanning for danger.
And one of the quickest ways it evaluates “danger” is through comparison.
Instead of seeing someone else’s journey as neutral, your survival system interprets it as:
“They’re ahead, so I’m unsafe.”
This isn’t truth.
It’s biology.
2. The Inner Child Is Often Who Feels Behind, Not You
The pressure to catch up usually comes from younger parts of you:
the girl who had to grow up too fast
the achiever who only felt valued when she excelled
the responsible one who carried too much
the one who equated self-worth with performance
the one who was taught she needed to be “something” by a certain age
This part of you still believes:
“If I achieve enough, then I’ll finally be safe.”
So someone else’s progress awakens her old fears.
You’re not behind, she is scared.
3. You Only Feel Behind When You’re Ready for More
This one is important:
The feeling of being behind usually shows up right before a level-up.
It means something inside you is shifting.
Your identity is expanding.
You’re outgrowing old ways of living.
You’re wanting more alignment and more truth.
Feeling behind is actually a sign of awakening — not inadequacy.
4. Timelines Are Conditioning, Not Reality
A lot of the pressure you feel isn’t yours:
cultural timelines
family expectations
unconscious comparisons
societal rules about success
social media highlight reels
Most timelines weren’t built for women like us — women healing, rebuilding, questioning, growing.
You’re not late.
You’re living at the pace of your nervous system… and that pace is always right.
5. How to Support Yourself When You Feel Behind
Here are gentle practices to shift the state:
✨ Regulate before you reflect
Ground your body first — tapping, legs up the wall, a walk, a warm shower.
✨ Remind yourself: “This is a state, not a truth.”
Your body is speaking, not your destiny.
✨ Ask: “Whose timeline am I following?”
If the answer isn’t yours, it’s time to release it.
✨ Honour your season
Maybe this season is for healing… not hustling.
For rest… not rushing.
For rebuilding… not results.
✨ Celebrate your invisible progress
Not every milestone is external.
Healing counts.
Learning counts.
Surviving counts.
Starting over counts.
Choosing peace counts.
A Final Reframe
You’re not behind.
You’re becoming the version of yourself who no longer wants to live on autopilot or comparison mode.
You’re choosing depth over speed.
Healing over rushing.
Alignment over timelines.
You’re exactly where you need to be.
🎙️ Listen to the full episode here: When You Feel Behind in Life
With love,
Tally x
Why December Feels So Heavy (Even When You’re Doing the Work)
Understanding your nervous system, your emotions, and why this time of year hits so hard.
December has a way of pulling everything to the surface.
Even when you’ve been showing up for yourself…
Even when you’ve done your healing work…
Even when you’ve grown, regulated, evolved, expanded…
December still lands differently.
If you’ve been feeling more emotional, tired, overwhelmed, reflective, or just “off,” you’re not alone — and you're not going backwards.
There’s a real, nervous-system-based reason this month feels like a lot.
Let’s break it down gently.
1. Your Nervous System Is Processing an Entire Year at Once
Your body doesn’t follow the calendar.
It follows safety, capacity, and energy.
By the time December arrives, you’ve lived through:
11 months of emotional experiences
decisions, stress, changes, wins, losses
grief you didn’t have time to feel
memories you were too busy to process
nervous system activation you pushed through
responsibilities you carried on your back
December becomes the moment your system finally slows enough to feel what it couldn’t feel earlier.
That heaviness?
It’s your body integrating.
2. End-of-Year Pressure Makes You Feel “Behind”
December brings an invisible to-do list:
“Reflect on your year.”
“Set goals.”
“Finish strong.”
“Be social.”
“Look happy.”
“Hold it all together.”
Most of this isn’t your truth — it’s conditioning.
Your nervous system absorbs all that pressure, especially if you have:
perfectionist tendencies
people-pleasing wounds
high-achiever patterns
inner child beliefs about worth and productivity
So if you feel overwhelmed…
It makes sense.
Your body is responding to expectation fatigue, not failure.
3. Old Wounds and Memories Resurface in December
This month is deeply symbolic.
For many people, December activates:
family patterns
grief
loneliness
childhood memories
comparison
financial pressure
cultural expectations
the “need to be okay”
Even if you’re doing the work, your younger parts still remember.
The inner child feels December differently — and she often needs more reassurance, not more productivity.
4. Darkness, Weather, and Slower Days Shift Your Mood
This season affects your biology:
less sunlight
less movement
shorter days
depleted energy
higher cortisol
disrupted sleep
This isn’t weakness — it’s physiology.
Your body naturally slows down in winter.
You’re not meant to be your most productive, confident, or energised self right now.
Winter asks for retreat, not acceleration.
5. You’re Not “Falling Apart”, You’re Recalibrating
The heaviness you feel isn’t a regression.
It’s a transition.
December is the bridge between who you’ve been this year…
and who you’re becoming next.
That in-between space always feels tender.
Your nervous system releases what it no longer wants to carry into the new year.
Your identity upgrades.
Your boundaries tighten.
Your clarity sharpens.
Your inner child speaks louder.
Your body remembers what still needs healing.
This is expansion wearing the disguise of heaviness.
So What Do You Do With All This?
Here are a few ways to support yourself gently:
1. Stop trying to “push through” the heaviness
Your body doesn’t need pressure — it needs presence.
2. Honour your energy levels
Rest doesn’t mean failure.
Slowness doesn’t mean you’re behind.
3. Validate your emotions instead of judging them
“Of course I’m feeling this. This season is a lot.”
4. Focus on grounding, not achieving
Warm showers, self-holding hugs, tapping, slower days, deeper breaths.
5. Release the idea that you need to end the year perfectly
You don’t.
You never did.
A Soft December Reminder
You are not doing anything wrong.
You’re not backsliding.
You’re not losing progress.
Your nervous system is simply catching up.
Your body is integrating the year.
Your heart is recalibrating.
Your soul is preparing for what’s next.
You’re not heavy — you’re healing.
If you want more support with this, you can listen to the full podcast episode here:
🎙️ Podcast: Why December Feels So Heavy (Even When You’re Doing the Work)
(link when uploaded)
And if you’re craving deeper nervous system support, EFT, or a softer way to end your year, message me to explore my current bundles and offerings.
With love,
Talesha x
Follow the Plan, Not Your Mood: The Power of Self-Leadership and Showing Up Anyway
Motivation feels good, but it’s unreliable.
If I only worked, posted, coached, or created when I felt like it, I wouldn’t have a business. I’d have a mood diary.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned, both in sales and as a coach, is that your emotions don’t determine your results, your actions do.
Following the plan, not your mood, is emotional maturity in action. It’s the practice of choosing alignment over impulse, purpose over procrastination, and leadership over comfort.
Because here’s the truth:
Running a business isn’t just about strategy. It’s about energy. It’s about who you become in the moments when no one’s watching, when it’s quiet, when you’re tired, when you’re doubting yourself but still deciding to show up anyway.
Showing Up Through Chaos
Earlier this year, I went through one of the hardest seasons of my life. My dad had two strokes, I also had a loved one who was battling terminal cancer, all as I was planning my Women’s Wellness Day event, working my sales role, leading a team, building my business.
I was balancing hospital visits, work, and my sales team, people who relied on me for leadership and energy, while also trying to hold space for my clients, my community, and myself.
There were mornings where I felt like I had nothing left to give. But I kept showing up.
Not perfectly, but intentionally.
Sometimes it was as simple as sending a “good morning” message in my team chat. It sounds small, but that daily act reminded me: You’re still here. You’re still leading. You can still bring light even in the heaviness.
That’s what self-leadership really is.
It’s grace wrapped in grit. It’s doing your best even when your heart feels heavy. It’s learning that discipline isn’t cold or rigid, it’s a form of self-love.
The Shift from Emotional Reactivity to Self-Leadership
There’s a quiet power that comes from following through on what you said you’d do.
Every time you take action despite discomfort, you’re building something much bigger than a to-do list, you’re building self-trust.
And self-trust is magnetic.
Because when you know you’ll show up for yourself no matter what, you stop waiting for the right moment, the right feeling, or the right level of confidence.
You move. You lead. You create.
And that’s the energy that clients, opportunities, and abundance respond to, not perfection, but consistency.
Your emotions aren’t the enemy. They’re feedback.
They tell you what needs your attention, but they don’t get to make the decisions.
You wouldn’t hand your car keys to a toddler, so don’t hand your business to your emotions.
Let your plan drive, and let your feelings ride shotgun.
Becoming Solution-Oriented
When you stop letting your mood lead, you start seeing possibilities instead of problems.
You stop spiralling and start solving.
That’s what being solution-oriented really means — it’s not about ignoring what you feel, it’s about using it as data, not direction.
Because your feelings are temporary, but your purpose isn’t.
When you anchor into that, into your why, your actions stop being reactive and start being intentional.
Self-Leadership = Safety
Consistency builds more than momentum.
It builds safety.
Every time you follow through, even on the small things, you’re showing your nervous system, “We’re safe. We can rely on us.”
And from that sense of inner safety, you make better decisions. You create better content. You serve from overflow instead of exhaustion.
You don’t wait to feel ready, you act ready, and the feeling follows.
So the next time you feel off, pause and ask yourself:
👉🏽 “Am I following my mood or my plan?”
Then take one aligned action, something small but meaningful that your future self will thank you for.
Because your future self isn’t waiting on your motivation.
She’s waiting on your consistency.
And every time you choose to follow the plan — not your mood — you’re showing her that you’re already becoming her.
That’s self-leadership.
That’s emotional discipline.
That’s power in motion.
The 8 Steps to Success: What Sales Taught Me About Business, Healing & Life
The other day, I was scrolling through my phone, clearing out old photos, and I came across something that stopped me for a moment.
A picture from an old sales office.
On the wall behind us, in bold writing, were the words: The 8 Steps.
It wasn’t just a quote or a motivational slogan, it was literally the system we lived by.
And I didn’t realise at the time just how much those eight steps would shape who I am today.
My Sales Era
Before I stepped into my holistic work full-time, I spent a few years in direct sales. I was a brand ambassador, nervous, figuring it all out, and before long, I was managing my own team.
Every day was a mix of excitement and challenge. We were out there building relationships, facing rejection, hitting goals, motivating each other, and learning how to stay grounded in the face of “no.”
That job taught me that success isn’t built on luck, it’s built on consistency, emotional regulation, and self-leadership.
Coaching my team taught me that leadership isn’t about telling people what to do, it’s about helping them believe they can. I ran morning meetings, held one-to-ones, and guided people back to their “why.” And now, when I coach women through healing and emotional blocks, I see how connected it all is. The language has changed, but the energy is the same.
It’s about helping people remember their power.
The Lessons That Still Apply
Those 8 Steps were simple, but they carried so much truth:
Be positive. Be reliable. Be prepared. Give 100%. Work your territory. Safeguard your attitude. Have a why. Take control.
They sound like business rules, but they’re really life rules.
When I look back, I see that what I thought was a high-pressure sales job was actually emotional training. It taught me how to separate emotion from action. To follow the plan, not my feelings. To take responsibility for my energy and attitude, even when things were hard.
Now, in healing work, I see the same principle everywhere. Healing is just another form of discipline. It’s showing up for yourself when you don’t feel like it, when you’re tired, when no one’s clapping yet.
The 8 Steps weren’t really about selling. They were about self-mastery.
Reflection
Whether you’re in business, building your dream life, or healing your nervous system, the foundation is always the same:
Show up with integrity. Lead yourself first. Be consistent. Protect your energy.
Success doesn’t come from complexity. It comes from the simple things you do with intention, over and over again.
So maybe take this as your reminder:
Which of those principles do you need to reconnect with today?
Be positive. Be prepared. Take control.
Because success isn’t just about what you do, it’s about who you become in the process.
Paradigms & Self-Limiting Beliefs
How the invisible patterns in your mind are shaping your life (and how you can shift them)
If you’ve ever wondered why you keep hitting the same internal walls — why fear, hesitation, or self-doubt show up every time you try to expand — it’s often not about laziness or lack of motivation.
It’s about your paradigm — the subconscious blueprint of beliefs, habits, and emotional patterns quietly shaping your life.
In this post, we’ll explore what paradigms really are, how self-limiting beliefs form, what neuroscience says about rewiring them, and how you can begin shifting yours — backed by the work of neuroscientist Dr Tara Swart and other mind-body experts.
What Are Paradigms?
A paradigm is the mental lens through which you experience reality — your inherited programming for what feels possible, safe, or realistic.
We develop most of our paradigms early in life through family, culture, and environment. They shape how we see the world and ourselves.
Examples:
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” → scarcity and over-work.
“You have to be the good girl” → people-pleasing and perfectionism.
“Love means inconsistency” → fear of closeness or instability.
These beliefs once kept you safe — but eventually, they can become restrictive. The safety code becomes the limit code.
“The subconscious mind doesn’t distinguish between what’s true and what’s familiar — it only seeks what feels safe.”
The Science of Self-Limiting Beliefs
Self-limiting beliefs are surface expressions of deeper paradigms.
They sound like:
“I’m not good enough.”
“Things never work out for me.”
“I can’t make money doing what I love.”
According to Dr Tara Swart, “The idea of reprogramming the subconscious is essentially the science of neuroplasticity— the brain’s ability to form new pathways and strengthen them through repetition.” (The Independent, 2024)
When you repeatedly think, feel, and act in a certain way, you wire your brain for that pattern.
When you introduce new thoughts and regulate your emotional response, you create new wiring.
A 2021 study on emotional awareness found that self-regulation is a skill that can be trained — and that awareness itself facilitates neural change. (PMC8395748)
In simple terms: you can’t out-think your subconscious, but you can retrain it through awareness, repetition, and safety.
How Paradigms Form (and Why They Persist)
Most core beliefs are formed before age seven, when your brain operates in highly suggestible theta waves.
Messages from parents, teachers, and peers are absorbed without critical thinking.
The brain then filters all new experiences through those existing beliefs.
The subconscious mind prioritizes safety over growth, so even painful familiarity can feel safer than freedom.
Example:
If you grew up in survival mode, rest may now feel unsafe.
If you were taught that achievement equals love, slowing down can trigger guilt.
Your nervous system is simply protecting you based on old data.
Shifting Your Paradigm — A Step-by-Step Guide
1. Awareness
Notice your repeating thoughts, emotions, or behaviours when facing change.
Ask yourself:
Where did this belief come from?
Whose voice is this really?
What is it trying to protect me from?
Awareness is the first interruption to the subconscious loop.
2. Compassion
You can’t bully a belief into submission.
Every self-limiting pattern once had a positive purpose: to keep you safe, loved, or accepted.
Meet it with compassion, not judgment.
3. Reprogramming & Integration
Dr Swart reminds us that change happens through consistent emotional repetition.
Try:
Affirmations that align with the new paradigm
EFT tapping or body-based release to build safety in the nervous system
Journaling from your higher-self perspective
Visualization — imagine how it feels to already embody the new belief
Remember: it’s not about forcing positivity — it’s about helping your body feel safe enough to believe something new.
4. Embodiment
Transformation happens when thought meets action.
Each time you make a new choice — setting a boundary, resting without guilt, speaking truth — you create evidence for the new paradigm.
That’s neuroplasticity in motion.
“Healing is teaching your body that it’s safe to choose differently.”
Why This Matters for Healing, Business & Relationships
Healing: Unhealed paradigms keep you looping in the same emotional states. Shifting them creates internal safety and freedom.
Business: Paradigms around scarcity or worth limit your ability to receive. When you shift them, flow and alignment become natural.
Relationships: If your paradigm links love with chaos, your nervous system will reject stability until safety is rebuilt.
Reflection Prompts
What beliefs or thoughts do I repeat most that limit my joy or expansion?
Where might I have learned them?
What would I rather believe instead — and how would that version of me think, feel, and act?
What can I do today to help my body feel safe with this new belief?
Listen to the Full Podcast Episode
For a deeper dive into this topic, tune into The Grateful Living Podcast — Episode: “Paradigms & Self-Limiting Beliefs.”
In this episode, I share stories, examples, and practical tools to help you begin shifting your inner blueprint and reprogramming your subconscious in real time.
🎧Listen on Spotify | Listen on Youtube Podcasts
If this resonates, and you’re ready to explore the paradigms shaping your healing, business, or relationships — this is the work we do in my Fragments 1:1 Coaching.
It’s a safe, supportive space to uncover inherited stories, integrate your shadow, and rewire your nervous system for self-trust and expansion.
🎧 Listen to the full podcast episode here
💛 Register your interest in Fragments 1:1 Coaching session → here
Until next time — take care of your mind, your body, and your energy.
Because how you think and how you feel… creates your state of being. 💛
Healing Isn’t About Becoming Someone New — It’s About Remembering Who You Were Before the Wounds
So often we approach healing like a makeover. We think we need to reinvent ourselves, become someone entirely new, and leave the “old us” behind. But the truth is, you don’t need to become someone else to heal. You just need to remember who you were before the wounds.
The Child Beneath the Armor
Before the betrayals, the grief, the subtle lessons about what was “too much” or “not enough” — you were whole. You laughed freely. You felt without shame. You dreamed without limit. Over time, to stay safe, you built armor. You held your breath in unsafe rooms. You curled yourself up small at night. You learned how to survive.
But surviving is not the same as living.
The Science of Remembering
Polyvagal theory shows us that our nervous system records experiences of safety and danger, shaping how we show up in the world. Survival strategies like hyper-independence, emotional eating, or perfectionism aren’t flaws — they’re adaptations.
The good news is that through neuroplasticity, our brains can rewire. Safety, play, creativity, and rest can be relearned. Healing is not about creating a “better you.” It’s about reclaiming your natural states that were there all along.
Practical Ways to Begin Remembering
Ask yourself: Who am I protecting right now? This simple reflection can uncover the coping strategy at play.
Follow your joy: Think back to what lit you up as a child — singing, writing, dancing, exploring. These aren’t silly; they’re pathways back home.
Reconnect with your body: Somatic practices like EFT, shaking, or gentle breathwork help the nervous system relearn safety.
A Journal Prompt
What parts of myself have I hidden away for safety — and what would it feel like to let them emerge again?
Healing is less about reinvention and more about remembrance. Because the truest version of you was never lost — she was just waiting for you to come back.
Forgiveness and Shadow Work in Scorpio Season: How Letting Go Opens the Door to Blessings
Scorpio season always brings truth to the surface. It’s the time of year when the shadows rise, when we’re invited to look at what we’ve been avoiding, release what no longer serves us, and rebirth into something softer, freer, more whole.
For me, this season has been a mirror.
During a conversation with my mentor, I realised something that hit me deeply:
I was blocking my own blessings by holding onto hurt, pain, and resentment from my past.
I thought I’d moved on. But in truth, I was still carrying the weight of stories that weren’t mine to hold anymore.
The Shadow Side of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a word we hear often in the healing space, but it’s also one of the hardest things to embody.
Because forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.
It doesn’t mean excusing someone’s behaviour.
It means choosing to free yourself from the emotional charge that keeps you stuck in old energy.
In Scorpio season, a time ruled by transformation, emotional depth, and rebirth, forgiveness becomes a form of shadow work.
It’s about facing what’s been buried, feeling the pain, and allowing it to dissolve.
The “Let Them” Theory and Energetic Release
As I reflected on the people and memories I was still tethered to, I remembered a phrase that changed everything:
Let them.
Let them go.
Let them leave.
Let them misunderstand you.
Let them move on.
Let them choose someone else.
Holding on keeps you in survival mode. Letting go brings you back into your power.
This simple reminder helped me soften my grip, to stop trying to fix, chase, or prove, and instead, to trust that what’s meant for me will never need convincing.
Healing Through Forgiveness: The Ho’oponopono Prayer
That night, I turned to a spiritual practice that has always grounded me, the Ho’oponopono prayer, a traditional Hawaiian method of reconciliation and forgiveness.
It goes like this:
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
As I repeated each line, I visualised releasing everyone I was still energetically holding onto and forgiving myself, too, for carrying the pain for so long.
Something shifted in my body.
My breath deepened. My chest softened.
I could feel the energetic release.
Forgiveness, I’ve learned, isn’t a one-time act. It’s a daily choice, to unhook from old stories, to come back into your body, and to make space for new blessings to flow in.
Forgiveness as a Somatic and Spiritual Detox
When we hold onto resentment, our bodies hold it too.
Tight shoulders. Heavy chests. Emotional exhaustion.
That’s why forgiveness isn’t just emotional, it’s somatic.
The moment you truly let go, your nervous system feels it.
You shift from fight-or-flight to flow.
From protection to peace.
Scorpio season reminds us that endings are sacred.
When you release what’s no longer aligned, you don’t lose, you create space.
A Simple Forgiveness Ritual to Try
If you’ve been feeling heavy or stuck, try this today:
Light a candle or sit somewhere quiet.
Close your eyes and bring to mind someone or something you’re ready to release.
Whisper the Ho’oponopono prayer:
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.Visualise the energy leaving your body and dissolving into light.
Breathe deeply and notice how your body feels.
Forgiveness is not weakness, it’s energetic freedom.
Let Them Go, and Let Peace In
Scorpio season is an invitation to shed, to release what’s heavy and step into deeper alignment.
The more we hold on to pain, the less space we have for blessings.
So this season, I’m choosing to let them go.
To let life flow.
To let peace find me again.
If you’re ready to release what your body’s been holding…
My Release Massage + EFT Bundle helps you soften the tension, regulate your nervous system, and release emotional energy stored in the body. It’s a somatic experience designed to help you reconnect with peace, forgiveness, and self-love.
✨ Learn more about the Release Bundle → here
Be gentle with yourself this season.
With love always,
Talesha
Why Safe Love Feels “Boring” When You’re Used to Chaos
Safe Love Isn’t Boring — It’s Healing
If you’ve ever dismissed a kind, consistent partner as “boring” — you’re not alone. For many millennial women raised in chaotic, unpredictable environments, safe love can feel foreign. Sometimes, it even feels wrong.
My Story: Confusing Chaos for Chemistry
I grew up in unpredictability. Love often came with conditions, silence, or sudden absence. My nervous system learned to brace for loss — even in moments of closeness.
So as an adult, I chased intensity. The push-pull of emotionally unavailable partners felt magnetic. My heart raced, my body buzzed. I thought that was passion.
Meanwhile, gentle, available love felt flat. My body didn’t trust calm. What I didn’t realise: it wasn’t boring. It was safe.
The Science Behind It
Attachment theory explains how inconsistent caregiving wires us for anxious or avoidant patterns.
Polyvagal theory shows us that chaos keeps us in sympathetic arousal — a state that feels alive, but is really survival.
Trauma research confirms: the brain seeks the familiar, not the healthy.
So when your nervous system is used to stress, safety feels unfamiliar. Calmness isn’t boring — it’s just new.
How to Rewire Your Attraction
Question “boring.” Next time someone feels too calm, ask: is this boring, or is this safety?
Regulate your nervous system. Practices like EFT, breathwork, or grounding can help your body adjust to calm connection.
Redefine chemistry. True chemistry isn’t sparks that burn you out. It’s steady warmth. It’s feeling like you can breathe.
Practice safe love everywhere. With friends, mentors, even yourself. The more your body feels safety in daily life, the more it can welcome it in romance.
Journal Reflection
✨ Who do I find myself attracted to — and what does that say about my nervous system’s blueprint?
✨ When does calm connection feel uncomfortable to me?
✨ How might I begin to choose safety, even when my body craves chaos?
Safe love isn’t boring. It’s the love your nervous system deserves. It may feel unfamiliar at first, but with compassion and practice, safety can become your new normal.
From Coping to Healing: Releasing the Survival Strategies That No Longer Serve You
Coping is clever. It’s your body’s way of saying, “I’ll keep you safe.” But what kept you safe yesterday might be holding you back today.
My Story: How Coping Showed Up in My Life
For years, my body carried trauma in silence.
My hair fell out in clumps from stress.
I turned to emotional eating when feelings felt too heavy.
I held my breath in rooms where I didn’t feel safe.
I clenched my jaw so tightly in sleep that I woke up with headaches.
I curled into the fetal position at night, bracing against the world.
Energetically, the patterns showed up too: attracting emotionally unavailable partners, repeating scarcity cycles with money, over-giving until I was empty.
I thought these were flaws. But they were survival strategies — the nervous system doing its best with what it knew.
Why We Develop Coping Strategies
Trauma research and polyvagal theory explain this beautifully:
The nervous system chooses survival over thriving.
Coping behaviours like eating, clenching, or overworking are ways of managing an unsafe world.
The brain wires itself around the familiar, even if that familiar isn’t healthy.
This is why we repeat patterns. Not because we’re broken — but because our body equates familiarity with safety.
Moving from Coping to Healing
Healing is about teaching your body new ways to feel safe.
Try this:
Name your coping with compassion. Instead of “I can’t believe I did this again,” try “This is my body’s way of protecting me.”
Add a regulating practice. Butterfly tapping, deep belly breathing, or shaking out stress signals safety to the nervous system.
Start small. If money scarcity shows up, try saving a tiny amount or celebrating when you spend in alignment with joy.
Seek co-regulation. Safe relationships, therapy, and healing spaces help your nervous system remember it doesn’t have to survive alone.
Journal Reflection
Ask yourself:
✨ Which coping strategies show up most often for me?
✨ What are they protecting me from?
✨ What would it look like to thank my coping… and then gently release it?
Coping got you here. Healing will take you further. You are not broken — you are adapting. And with the right tools and support, you can move from surviving to truly living.
Healing the Good Girl Wound: Why People-Pleasing Keeps You Stuck
Many women carry a silent wound: the Good Girl wound.
It looks like:
✨ Saying yes when you want to say no.
✨ Feeling guilty for resting.
✨ Working twice as hard to prove yourself.
✨ Apologising when you’ve done nothing wrong.
And while the world might praise you for being “nice” or “selfless,” inside, you’re exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from your own needs.
I know this wound deeply, because I lived it. I held my breath in rooms where I didn’t feel safe. I clenched my jaw at night until it ached. I curled into the fetal position, my body bracing as though danger was still present.
In love, I found myself drawn to emotionally unavailable people — because my nervous system had learned that love had to be earned. In money, I replayed cycles of scarcity, overworking and overgiving until I was burnt out.
Here’s the science behind it:
The “Good Girl” isn’t a personality trait. It’s often a trauma response. Specifically: the fawn response.
When our bodies perceive threat, we don’t just fight, flee, or freeze. We can also fawn — appeasing others to avoid conflict and stay safe.
For many women, fawning became our survival strategy. Research shows that chronic self-abandonment can lead to higher stress, anxiety, and even physical illness. In other words: the body pays the price for being “good.”
How to Heal the Good Girl Wound:
Somatic practices like EFT and breathwork remind your body that it’s safe to have needs.
Inner child healing shows younger you that love isn’t conditional.
Boundaries protect your energy and retrain your nervous system to trust safety in saying no.
Rest teaches your body that slowing down isn’t laziness — it’s regulation.
Healing the Good Girl wound doesn’t mean becoming selfish. It means learning that you don’t have to be “good” to be loved. You just have to be whole.
✨ Reflection for You: Where are you still abandoning yourself to be good? And what would it feel like to take up space unapologetically?
If this resonates, explore more in my 1:1 sessions or book a massage or EFT session with me — safe spaces to begin unlearning the patterns your body has carried for too long.
The Body Remembers: Trauma & Somatic Healing
We often try to heal by “thinking” our way out of pain. We journal, meditate, reframe our thoughts. And while those tools are powerful, they don’t always reach the root of the problem.
Because trauma doesn’t just live in the mind. The body remembers.
I know this deeply, because my body carried stories I didn’t even realise I was still holding.
✨ My hair fell out in clumps during periods of deep stress.
✨ I turned to emotional eating when I didn’t feel safe or supported.
✨ I caught myself holding my breath in rooms where I didn’t feel safe, bracing against a threat that wasn’t there.
✨ I slept curled into a ball, my body still protecting me like it had learned to as a child.
✨ And I clenched my jaw through the night, waking with the pain of battles fought in my sleep.
Even when I told myself I was fine, my body told the truth.
And it wasn’t just physical. Energetically, I kept attaching to emotionally unavailable people, because that kind of love felt familiar. My nervous system was repeating what it knew.
I also found myself stuck in money cycles that mirrored scarcity — feast, famine, repeat. Again, it wasn’t that I didn’t know how to manage money. It was that my body remembered scarcity and kept pulling me back into it.
The nervous system doesn’t care what’s “good for us.” It cares about what feels recognisable.
The turning point for me was discovering somatic healing. Massage allowed me to release years of stored tension. EFT tapping helped soothe my nervous system and shift the charge around painful memories. Breathwork reminded my body that it was safe, here and now.
Somatic healing isn’t about fixing what’s broken. It’s about helping your body finally exhale.
✨ If you’ve been looping in cycles you can’t think your way out of, it might not be your fault.
✨ It might just be your body, still holding the story.
And the beautiful thing is — with somatic practices, that story can change.
If this resonates, I invite you to explore these practices with me through massage, EFT, or my 1:1 session. Together, we can help your body remember what safety feels like.
Want to hear more? Listen to the podcast here
Healing the Nervous System When Drama Feels Like Home
You say you want peace.
You crave rest, calm mornings, soft love, stability.
But when things finally slow down… you start to spiral. You feel bored, uncomfortable, even anxious.
You pick a fight. Overthink a text. Fill your calendar.
You create chaos — and then wonder why.
You’re not broken.
You’re just dysregulated.
And your body is brilliantly trying to keep you safe the only way it knows how.
Let’s unpack it together.
🧠 Why Chaos Feels Safer Than Calm
This might sound strange, but for many of us, chaos feels safer than peace.
Why? Because your nervous system doesn’t respond to what’s “logical” — it responds to what’s familiar.
If you grew up in an environment where:
Emotions were unpredictable
You had to stay alert to feel in control
Love was inconsistent or conditional
Calm was often the calm before the storm
Then your body associates dysregulation with normal.
Your system became wired to function in stress, tension, urgency.
So when things feel too good — your brain starts scanning for what’s about to go wrong.
That’s not drama addiction.
That’s trauma adaptation.
🔁 Common Signs You're Operating From Chaos:
You self-sabotage when things go well
You feel "lazy" or anxious when resting
You unconsciously attract drama or people who create it
You confuse calmness with emotional disconnection
You crave intensity — even if it hurts
Again, not a flaw. A coping mechanism.
🌿 How to Start Healing This Pattern
To rewire your system from chaos to calm, the goal isn’t to force peace — it’s to gently expand your window of tolerance for it.
Here’s how:
1. Notice the Chaos Craving Without Shame
Start bringing awareness to the urge to stir things up.
Ask yourself:
“Is this coming from my healed self… or my survival self?”
Compassionately name it: “This is the part of me that learned chaos was safer than calm.”
Awareness is powerful. Don’t skip this step.
2. Anchor in Safety Before You Rest
Instead of diving into silence or stillness, prepare your body first.
Try:
Self-holding (hand on heart + belly)
Butterfly tapping (cross arms + alternate shoulder taps)
Gentle movement like shaking or swaying
This tells your body: “You’re safe now. Stillness won’t hurt you.”
3. Create Micro Moments of Peace
Don’t expect your system to suddenly love calm.
Start with small, consistent experiences:
3 deep breaths before a task
5-minute walks without stimulation
Journaling one honest thought a day
Let your body build trust with safety again.
4. Redefine What Calm Means
Maybe you grew up thinking calm = boring, weak, unproductive.
Try reframing it:
Calm is presence.
Calm is power.
Calm is connection without performance.
The more you practice calm, the more your nervous system learns that it doesn’t have to be “on alert” to be alive.
✨ Healing from chaos isn’t linear.
There may be days you miss the rush. Days you crave the noise.
But every moment you pause instead of panic… every time you choose rest over drama…
You’re rewriting your nervous system’s story.
Peace may not be what you were used to.
But it’s what you’re worthy of.
You don’t have to live in fight-or-flight forever.
Your body can relearn safety. Your heart can soften.
You can thrive in calm.
📥 Want Support With This?
If this resonated, listen to the full podcast episode:
🎧 Why You’re Addicted to the Chaos — available on here
You can also explore:
My Tap With Tally EFT videos here
1:1 massage sessions
1:1 EFT sessions
Because peace isn’t boring. It’s revolutionary.
And you, my love, are allowed to feel good.
With love,
Talesha