Healing Isn’t About Becoming Someone New — It’s About Remembering Who You Were Before the Wounds
So often we approach healing like a makeover. We think we need to reinvent ourselves, become someone entirely new, and leave the “old us” behind. But the truth is, you don’t need to become someone else to heal. You just need to remember who you were before the wounds.
The Child Beneath the Armor
Before the betrayals, the grief, the subtle lessons about what was “too much” or “not enough” — you were whole. You laughed freely. You felt without shame. You dreamed without limit. Over time, to stay safe, you built armor. You held your breath in unsafe rooms. You curled yourself up small at night. You learned how to survive.
But surviving is not the same as living.
The Science of Remembering
Polyvagal theory shows us that our nervous system records experiences of safety and danger, shaping how we show up in the world. Survival strategies like hyper-independence, emotional eating, or perfectionism aren’t flaws — they’re adaptations.
The good news is that through neuroplasticity, our brains can rewire. Safety, play, creativity, and rest can be relearned. Healing is not about creating a “better you.” It’s about reclaiming your natural states that were there all along.
Practical Ways to Begin Remembering
Ask yourself: Who am I protecting right now? This simple reflection can uncover the coping strategy at play.
Follow your joy: Think back to what lit you up as a child — singing, writing, dancing, exploring. These aren’t silly; they’re pathways back home.
Reconnect with your body: Somatic practices like EFT, shaking, or gentle breathwork help the nervous system relearn safety.
A Journal Prompt
What parts of myself have I hidden away for safety — and what would it feel like to let them emerge again?
Healing is less about reinvention and more about remembrance. Because the truest version of you was never lost — she was just waiting for you to come back.
Forgiveness and Shadow Work in Scorpio Season: How Letting Go Opens the Door to Blessings
Scorpio season always brings truth to the surface. It’s the time of year when the shadows rise, when we’re invited to look at what we’ve been avoiding, release what no longer serves us, and rebirth into something softer, freer, more whole.
For me, this season has been a mirror.
During a conversation with my mentor, I realised something that hit me deeply:
I was blocking my own blessings by holding onto hurt, pain, and resentment from my past.
I thought I’d moved on. But in truth, I was still carrying the weight of stories that weren’t mine to hold anymore.
The Shadow Side of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a word we hear often in the healing space, but it’s also one of the hardest things to embody.
Because forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.
It doesn’t mean excusing someone’s behaviour.
It means choosing to free yourself from the emotional charge that keeps you stuck in old energy.
In Scorpio season, a time ruled by transformation, emotional depth, and rebirth, forgiveness becomes a form of shadow work.
It’s about facing what’s been buried, feeling the pain, and allowing it to dissolve.
The “Let Them” Theory and Energetic Release
As I reflected on the people and memories I was still tethered to, I remembered a phrase that changed everything:
Let them.
Let them go.
Let them leave.
Let them misunderstand you.
Let them move on.
Let them choose someone else.
Holding on keeps you in survival mode. Letting go brings you back into your power.
This simple reminder helped me soften my grip, to stop trying to fix, chase, or prove, and instead, to trust that what’s meant for me will never need convincing.
Healing Through Forgiveness: The Ho’oponopono Prayer
That night, I turned to a spiritual practice that has always grounded me, the Ho’oponopono prayer, a traditional Hawaiian method of reconciliation and forgiveness.
It goes like this:
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
As I repeated each line, I visualised releasing everyone I was still energetically holding onto and forgiving myself, too, for carrying the pain for so long.
Something shifted in my body.
My breath deepened. My chest softened.
I could feel the energetic release.
Forgiveness, I’ve learned, isn’t a one-time act. It’s a daily choice, to unhook from old stories, to come back into your body, and to make space for new blessings to flow in.
Forgiveness as a Somatic and Spiritual Detox
When we hold onto resentment, our bodies hold it too.
Tight shoulders. Heavy chests. Emotional exhaustion.
That’s why forgiveness isn’t just emotional, it’s somatic.
The moment you truly let go, your nervous system feels it.
You shift from fight-or-flight to flow.
From protection to peace.
Scorpio season reminds us that endings are sacred.
When you release what’s no longer aligned, you don’t lose, you create space.
A Simple Forgiveness Ritual to Try
If you’ve been feeling heavy or stuck, try this today:
Light a candle or sit somewhere quiet.
Close your eyes and bring to mind someone or something you’re ready to release.
Whisper the Ho’oponopono prayer:
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.Visualise the energy leaving your body and dissolving into light.
Breathe deeply and notice how your body feels.
Forgiveness is not weakness, it’s energetic freedom.
Let Them Go, and Let Peace In
Scorpio season is an invitation to shed, to release what’s heavy and step into deeper alignment.
The more we hold on to pain, the less space we have for blessings.
So this season, I’m choosing to let them go.
To let life flow.
To let peace find me again.
If you’re ready to release what your body’s been holding…
My Release Massage + EFT Bundle helps you soften the tension, regulate your nervous system, and release emotional energy stored in the body. It’s a somatic experience designed to help you reconnect with peace, forgiveness, and self-love.
✨ Learn more about the Release Bundle → here
Be gentle with yourself this season.
With love always,
Talesha
Why Safe Love Feels “Boring” When You’re Used to Chaos
Safe Love Isn’t Boring — It’s Healing
If you’ve ever dismissed a kind, consistent partner as “boring” — you’re not alone. For many millennial women raised in chaotic, unpredictable environments, safe love can feel foreign. Sometimes, it even feels wrong.
My Story: Confusing Chaos for Chemistry
I grew up in unpredictability. Love often came with conditions, silence, or sudden absence. My nervous system learned to brace for loss — even in moments of closeness.
So as an adult, I chased intensity. The push-pull of emotionally unavailable partners felt magnetic. My heart raced, my body buzzed. I thought that was passion.
Meanwhile, gentle, available love felt flat. My body didn’t trust calm. What I didn’t realise: it wasn’t boring. It was safe.
The Science Behind It
Attachment theory explains how inconsistent caregiving wires us for anxious or avoidant patterns.
Polyvagal theory shows us that chaos keeps us in sympathetic arousal — a state that feels alive, but is really survival.
Trauma research confirms: the brain seeks the familiar, not the healthy.
So when your nervous system is used to stress, safety feels unfamiliar. Calmness isn’t boring — it’s just new.
How to Rewire Your Attraction
Question “boring.” Next time someone feels too calm, ask: is this boring, or is this safety?
Regulate your nervous system. Practices like EFT, breathwork, or grounding can help your body adjust to calm connection.
Redefine chemistry. True chemistry isn’t sparks that burn you out. It’s steady warmth. It’s feeling like you can breathe.
Practice safe love everywhere. With friends, mentors, even yourself. The more your body feels safety in daily life, the more it can welcome it in romance.
Journal Reflection
✨ Who do I find myself attracted to — and what does that say about my nervous system’s blueprint?
✨ When does calm connection feel uncomfortable to me?
✨ How might I begin to choose safety, even when my body craves chaos?
Safe love isn’t boring. It’s the love your nervous system deserves. It may feel unfamiliar at first, but with compassion and practice, safety can become your new normal.
From Coping to Healing: Releasing the Survival Strategies That No Longer Serve You
Coping is clever. It’s your body’s way of saying, “I’ll keep you safe.” But what kept you safe yesterday might be holding you back today.
My Story: How Coping Showed Up in My Life
For years, my body carried trauma in silence.
My hair fell out in clumps from stress.
I turned to emotional eating when feelings felt too heavy.
I held my breath in rooms where I didn’t feel safe.
I clenched my jaw so tightly in sleep that I woke up with headaches.
I curled into the fetal position at night, bracing against the world.
Energetically, the patterns showed up too: attracting emotionally unavailable partners, repeating scarcity cycles with money, over-giving until I was empty.
I thought these were flaws. But they were survival strategies — the nervous system doing its best with what it knew.
Why We Develop Coping Strategies
Trauma research and polyvagal theory explain this beautifully:
The nervous system chooses survival over thriving.
Coping behaviours like eating, clenching, or overworking are ways of managing an unsafe world.
The brain wires itself around the familiar, even if that familiar isn’t healthy.
This is why we repeat patterns. Not because we’re broken — but because our body equates familiarity with safety.
Moving from Coping to Healing
Healing is about teaching your body new ways to feel safe.
Try this:
Name your coping with compassion. Instead of “I can’t believe I did this again,” try “This is my body’s way of protecting me.”
Add a regulating practice. Butterfly tapping, deep belly breathing, or shaking out stress signals safety to the nervous system.
Start small. If money scarcity shows up, try saving a tiny amount or celebrating when you spend in alignment with joy.
Seek co-regulation. Safe relationships, therapy, and healing spaces help your nervous system remember it doesn’t have to survive alone.
Journal Reflection
Ask yourself:
✨ Which coping strategies show up most often for me?
✨ What are they protecting me from?
✨ What would it look like to thank my coping… and then gently release it?
Coping got you here. Healing will take you further. You are not broken — you are adapting. And with the right tools and support, you can move from surviving to truly living.
Healing the Good Girl Wound: Why People-Pleasing Keeps You Stuck
Many women carry a silent wound: the Good Girl wound.
It looks like:
✨ Saying yes when you want to say no.
✨ Feeling guilty for resting.
✨ Working twice as hard to prove yourself.
✨ Apologising when you’ve done nothing wrong.
And while the world might praise you for being “nice” or “selfless,” inside, you’re exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from your own needs.
I know this wound deeply, because I lived it. I held my breath in rooms where I didn’t feel safe. I clenched my jaw at night until it ached. I curled into the fetal position, my body bracing as though danger was still present.
In love, I found myself drawn to emotionally unavailable people — because my nervous system had learned that love had to be earned. In money, I replayed cycles of scarcity, overworking and overgiving until I was burnt out.
Here’s the science behind it:
The “Good Girl” isn’t a personality trait. It’s often a trauma response. Specifically: the fawn response.
When our bodies perceive threat, we don’t just fight, flee, or freeze. We can also fawn — appeasing others to avoid conflict and stay safe.
For many women, fawning became our survival strategy. Research shows that chronic self-abandonment can lead to higher stress, anxiety, and even physical illness. In other words: the body pays the price for being “good.”
How to Heal the Good Girl Wound:
Somatic practices like EFT and breathwork remind your body that it’s safe to have needs.
Inner child healing shows younger you that love isn’t conditional.
Boundaries protect your energy and retrain your nervous system to trust safety in saying no.
Rest teaches your body that slowing down isn’t laziness — it’s regulation.
Healing the Good Girl wound doesn’t mean becoming selfish. It means learning that you don’t have to be “good” to be loved. You just have to be whole.
✨ Reflection for You: Where are you still abandoning yourself to be good? And what would it feel like to take up space unapologetically?
If this resonates, explore more in my 1:1 sessions or book a massage or EFT session with me — safe spaces to begin unlearning the patterns your body has carried for too long.
The Body Remembers: Trauma & Somatic Healing
We often try to heal by “thinking” our way out of pain. We journal, meditate, reframe our thoughts. And while those tools are powerful, they don’t always reach the root of the problem.
Because trauma doesn’t just live in the mind. The body remembers.
I know this deeply, because my body carried stories I didn’t even realise I was still holding.
✨ My hair fell out in clumps during periods of deep stress.
✨ I turned to emotional eating when I didn’t feel safe or supported.
✨ I caught myself holding my breath in rooms where I didn’t feel safe, bracing against a threat that wasn’t there.
✨ I slept curled into a ball, my body still protecting me like it had learned to as a child.
✨ And I clenched my jaw through the night, waking with the pain of battles fought in my sleep.
Even when I told myself I was fine, my body told the truth.
And it wasn’t just physical. Energetically, I kept attaching to emotionally unavailable people, because that kind of love felt familiar. My nervous system was repeating what it knew.
I also found myself stuck in money cycles that mirrored scarcity — feast, famine, repeat. Again, it wasn’t that I didn’t know how to manage money. It was that my body remembered scarcity and kept pulling me back into it.
The nervous system doesn’t care what’s “good for us.” It cares about what feels recognisable.
The turning point for me was discovering somatic healing. Massage allowed me to release years of stored tension. EFT tapping helped soothe my nervous system and shift the charge around painful memories. Breathwork reminded my body that it was safe, here and now.
Somatic healing isn’t about fixing what’s broken. It’s about helping your body finally exhale.
✨ If you’ve been looping in cycles you can’t think your way out of, it might not be your fault.
✨ It might just be your body, still holding the story.
And the beautiful thing is — with somatic practices, that story can change.
If this resonates, I invite you to explore these practices with me through massage, EFT, or my 1:1 session. Together, we can help your body remember what safety feels like.
Want to hear more? Listen to the podcast here
Healing the Nervous System When Drama Feels Like Home
You say you want peace.
You crave rest, calm mornings, soft love, stability.
But when things finally slow down… you start to spiral. You feel bored, uncomfortable, even anxious.
You pick a fight. Overthink a text. Fill your calendar.
You create chaos — and then wonder why.
You’re not broken.
You’re just dysregulated.
And your body is brilliantly trying to keep you safe the only way it knows how.
Let’s unpack it together.
🧠 Why Chaos Feels Safer Than Calm
This might sound strange, but for many of us, chaos feels safer than peace.
Why? Because your nervous system doesn’t respond to what’s “logical” — it responds to what’s familiar.
If you grew up in an environment where:
Emotions were unpredictable
You had to stay alert to feel in control
Love was inconsistent or conditional
Calm was often the calm before the storm
Then your body associates dysregulation with normal.
Your system became wired to function in stress, tension, urgency.
So when things feel too good — your brain starts scanning for what’s about to go wrong.
That’s not drama addiction.
That’s trauma adaptation.
🔁 Common Signs You're Operating From Chaos:
You self-sabotage when things go well
You feel "lazy" or anxious when resting
You unconsciously attract drama or people who create it
You confuse calmness with emotional disconnection
You crave intensity — even if it hurts
Again, not a flaw. A coping mechanism.
🌿 How to Start Healing This Pattern
To rewire your system from chaos to calm, the goal isn’t to force peace — it’s to gently expand your window of tolerance for it.
Here’s how:
1. Notice the Chaos Craving Without Shame
Start bringing awareness to the urge to stir things up.
Ask yourself:
“Is this coming from my healed self… or my survival self?”
Compassionately name it: “This is the part of me that learned chaos was safer than calm.”
Awareness is powerful. Don’t skip this step.
2. Anchor in Safety Before You Rest
Instead of diving into silence or stillness, prepare your body first.
Try:
Self-holding (hand on heart + belly)
Butterfly tapping (cross arms + alternate shoulder taps)
Gentle movement like shaking or swaying
This tells your body: “You’re safe now. Stillness won’t hurt you.”
3. Create Micro Moments of Peace
Don’t expect your system to suddenly love calm.
Start with small, consistent experiences:
3 deep breaths before a task
5-minute walks without stimulation
Journaling one honest thought a day
Let your body build trust with safety again.
4. Redefine What Calm Means
Maybe you grew up thinking calm = boring, weak, unproductive.
Try reframing it:
Calm is presence.
Calm is power.
Calm is connection without performance.
The more you practice calm, the more your nervous system learns that it doesn’t have to be “on alert” to be alive.
✨ Healing from chaos isn’t linear.
There may be days you miss the rush. Days you crave the noise.
But every moment you pause instead of panic… every time you choose rest over drama…
You’re rewriting your nervous system’s story.
Peace may not be what you were used to.
But it’s what you’re worthy of.
You don’t have to live in fight-or-flight forever.
Your body can relearn safety. Your heart can soften.
You can thrive in calm.
📥 Want Support With This?
If this resonated, listen to the full podcast episode:
🎧 Why You’re Addicted to the Chaos — available on here
You can also explore:
My Tap With Tally EFT videos here
1:1 massage sessions
1:1 EFT sessions
Because peace isn’t boring. It’s revolutionary.
And you, my love, are allowed to feel good.
With love,
Talesha
Burnout Isn’t Your Fault: Why Exhaustion Isn’t a Personal Failure
Burnout is one of the most misunderstood experiences of our time.
We tell ourselves we should be able to handle more. We blame ourselves for being “weak.” We keep pushing until our body forces us to stop.
But here’s the truth: burnout isn’t a personal failure. It’s a nervous system response.
Why We Burn Out
Burnout isn’t just about long work hours. It’s about emotional weight — the invisible stress of caregiving, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and surviving in a world that rewards productivity over peace.
If you’ve ever thought, “I should be able to cope,” let this land: you’ve been carrying more than most people can see. And your body, in its wisdom, is saying: “Slow down. Protect me.”
Why It’s Not Your Fault
So often, we internalize burnout as shame. But here’s why it isn’t your fault:
We grew up in systems that normalized exhaustion.
Many of us were taught rest is something you earn, not something you deserve.
If you’ve experienced trauma, your nervous system has likely been in survival mode for years — and burnout is the crash that follows.
Burnout is not a weakness. It’s your body waving the white flag.
3 Steps to Begin Healing Burnout
Micro-Rest Practices
You don’t have to wait for a holiday to rest. Start with 2–5 minutes of nervous system care: breathing deeply, doing butterfly taps, or simply lying with your legs up the wall.Redefine Rest
Shift the question from “Have I earned it?” to “What feels nourishing right now?” Rest isn’t a luxury — it’s a human need.Lean on Safe People
Healing happens in connection. Sharing your load with others, whether through friendships, coaching, or community, teaches your body that you don’t have to carry everything alone.
If you’re walking through burnout right now, please know this:
You are not broken. You are not weak. You are not failing.
Burnout isn’t your fault. It’s your body asking to be cared for in a new way.
Give yourself permission to pause. Your worth has never been measured by how much you produce — only by the fact that you exist.
Want to hear more? Listen to the podcast here
Healing the Nervous System When Drama Feels Like Home
You say you want peace.
You crave rest, calm mornings, soft love, stability.
But when things finally slow down… you start to spiral. You feel bored, uncomfortable, even anxious.
You pick a fight. Overthink a text. Fill your calendar.
You create chaos — and then wonder why.
You’re not broken.
You’re just dysregulated.
And your body is brilliantly trying to keep you safe the only way it knows how.
Let’s unpack it together.
🧠 Why Chaos Feels Safer Than Calm
This might sound strange, but for many of us, chaos feels safer than peace.
Why? Because your nervous system doesn’t respond to what’s “logical” — it responds to what’s familiar.
If you grew up in an environment where:
Emotions were unpredictable
You had to stay alert to feel in control
Love was inconsistent or conditional
Calm was often the calm before the storm
Then your body associates dysregulation with normal.
Your system became wired to function in stress, tension, urgency.
So when things feel too good — your brain starts scanning for what’s about to go wrong.
That’s not drama addiction.
That’s trauma adaptation.
🔁 Common Signs You're Operating From Chaos:
You self-sabotage when things go well
You feel "lazy" or anxious when resting
You unconsciously attract drama or people who create it
You confuse calmness with emotional disconnection
You crave intensity — even if it hurts
Again, not a flaw. A coping mechanism.
🌿 How to Start Healing This Pattern
To rewire your system from chaos to calm, the goal isn’t to force peace — it’s to gently expand your window of tolerance for it.
Here’s how:
1. Notice the Chaos Craving Without Shame
Start bringing awareness to the urge to stir things up.
Ask yourself:
“Is this coming from my healed self… or my survival self?”
Compassionately name it: “This is the part of me that learned chaos was safer than calm.”
Awareness is powerful. Don’t skip this step.
2. Anchor in Safety Before You Rest
Instead of diving into silence or stillness, prepare your body first.
Try:
Self-holding (hand on heart + belly)
Butterfly tapping (cross arms + alternate shoulder taps)
Gentle movement like shaking or swaying
This tells your body: “You’re safe now. Stillness won’t hurt you.”
3. Create Micro Moments of Peace
Don’t expect your system to suddenly love calm.
Start with small, consistent experiences:
3 deep breaths before a task
5-minute walks without stimulation
Journaling one honest thought a day
Let your body build trust with safety again.
4. Redefine What Calm Means
Maybe you grew up thinking calm = boring, weak, unproductive.
Try reframing it:
Calm is presence.
Calm is power.
Calm is connection without performance.
The more you practice calm, the more your nervous system learns that it doesn’t have to be “on alert” to be alive.
✨ Healing from chaos isn’t linear.
There may be days you miss the rush. Days you crave the noise.
But every moment you pause instead of panic… every time you choose rest over drama…
You’re rewriting your nervous system’s story.
Peace may not be what you were used to.
But it’s what you’re worthy of.
You don’t have to live in fight-or-flight forever.
Your body can relearn safety. Your heart can soften.
You can thrive in calm.
📥 Want Support With This?
If this resonated, listen to the full podcast episode:
🎧 Why You’re Addicted to the Chaos — available on Spotify
You can also explore:
1:1 nervous system healing sessions
Massage therapy sessions
1:1 EFT session
Because peace isn’t boring. It’s revolutionary.
And you, my love, are allowed to feel good.With love,
Talesha
Why You Can’t Manifest When You’re in Fight-or-Flight (and What to Do About It)
When you’ve been doing all the mindset work, writing down your goals, scripting, vision boarding — but things still feel stuck —
It’s time to check in with your nervous system.
✦ The Missing Link: Your Body
You can’t manifest from a state of fear, panic, or pressure.
Why?
Because when you’re in fight-or-flight, your body is focused on survival — not creation. And survival mode tells your brain:
“More money is risky.”
“Success will bring judgment.”
“Love might mean abandonment.”
Even if you say you want it, your body might be resisting it.
✦ What’s Actually Happening in Fight-or-Flight?
Your body thinks there’s danger, even if it’s emotional or social:
Your breath is shallow
Muscles tense
Thoughts race
Digestion slows
Creativity halts
Your system is braced — not open.
In this state, manifestation tools don’t land because your body doesn’t feel safe enough to believe or receive.
✦ Regulation = Receiving
When your body is regulated, you’re:
Calm enough to trust
Open enough to receive
Anchored enough to follow inspired action
You shift from desperation to magnetism.
✦ Practices to Help You Regulate:
Butterfly tapping: Place your hands on your chest and tap slowly
Legs up the wall: Rest for 5–10 minutes to calm your vagus nerve
Somatic shaking: Shake out tension like animals do after stress
EFT tapping: Use it to clear fear, doubt, or unworthiness
Grounding visualizations: Pair vision work with nervous system calm
If it’s not flowing, it might not be your mindset — it might be your nervous system.
Start regulating, and you’ll start receiving.
You’re not too much. You’re not behind.
You just need safety first — and from there, your magic returns.
Rest Doesn’t Feel Safe? Here’s Why Your Nervous System Resists Slowing Down
You say you're tired. Burnt out. Ready to slow down.
But when you finally get the chance to rest… you suddenly feel restless.
Sound familiar?
That’s not just overthinking — it’s your nervous system trying to protect you.
1. Rest Feels Unsafe When You’ve Lived in Survival Mode
If your body has been wired for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, then stillness might actually feel more threatening than stress.
It’s not dysfunction — it’s protection.
When your system is used to doing, fixing, proving... the absence of that feels unsafe.
2. You Were Probably Taught That Rest = Laziness
Cultural and family conditioning plays a huge role.
You may have learned:
“You have to earn rest.”
“Success = constant productivity.”
“If you stop, you’ll fall behind.”
These beliefs are stored in your nervous system memory — not just your mind.
3. Rest Can Trigger Old Wounds
Rest can bring up:
Guilt (Am I being selfish?)
Fear (Will people think I’m lazy?)
Shame (Why do I need so much rest?)
That emotional discomfort is why you keep reaching for your phone… or adding one more task…
It’s not just a habit — it’s trauma-informed resistance.
4. So, How Do You Relearn Safety in Rest?
Here are a few nervous system-friendly tools:
Somatic grounding: Try butterfly tapping or a gentle self-hold.
Safe touch: Weighted blankets, warm baths, soft textures.
Guided rest audio: Something that co-regulates your system.
EFT tapping for rest guilt: Release subconscious blocks.
You can also talk to the part of you that fears rest.
Let her know it’s safe now. That you are not in danger. That healing doesn’t have to hurt.
Rest is a radical act.
Especially for those who were taught they had to earn love through effort.
This week, give yourself permission to be — not just do.
You don’t have to hustle for your worth anymore.
Want to know more? Listen to the podcast here
Why Your Body Might Be Pushing Love Away (Even If You Crave It)
You want deep love. You crave intimacy. You daydream about feeling chosen, safe, and met.
So why — when someone gets close — do you freeze, shut down, overthink, or run?
This is the confusing heartbreak of many healing women:
💔 Wanting love but feeling unsafe in it.
The reason isn’t because you’re broken. It’s because your nervous system has learned to brace for impact when love arrives.
Let’s explore why — and how you can start shifting that.
🚨 Your Nervous System Isn’t Sabotaging You — It’s Protecting You
Here’s the truth:
You don’t attract what you want.
You attract what your nervous system believes is safe.
So if your early experiences of love were unpredictable, conditional, or emotionally neglectful… love gets wired in your body as danger, not comfort.
It’s not a conscious choice. It’s a survival pattern.
That’s why:
You chase unavailable people (because they feel familiar).
You get anxious when texting someone new (because you expect rejection).
You over-give or shrink yourself (because love once meant performing).
Or you shut down completely (because closeness feels threatening).
This isn’t neediness or coldness. It’s your nervous system running the show.
💡 Attachment Styles & the Body
Our attachment patterns are reflected in how our nervous systems react in relationships:
Anxious Attachment = Nervous system stuck in fight-or-flight.
You're hyper-aware, scanning for signs of abandonment or rejection.Avoidant Attachment = Nervous system shifts into shutdown.
Intimacy feels overwhelming, so you detach emotionally or withdraw.Disorganized Attachment = Your system flips between both.
You crave love but fear it at the same time. It feels chaotic inside.
Understanding this is powerful, because it shows you:
You're not "too much." You're not "emotionally unavailable."
You're simply responding from a body that’s been wired for survival.
🌱 Healing Happens Through the Body
To feel safe in love, you don’t need to force yourself to trust or push past fear.
You need to teach your body that it’s safe to be seen, soft, and supported.
This looks like:
Somatic practices like EFT, self-holding, or breathwork
Inner child work, helping younger you feel heard and loved
Gentle co-regulation, surrounding yourself with calm, safe energy
Nervous system resourcing, grounding practices that signal safety
It’s slow, deep work — but it’s transformational.
When your body feels safe, love no longer feels like a threat.
It feels like coming home.
💌 Ready to Explore This More?
If this resonated, I invite you to listen to the matching podcast episode:
🎙 “When Love Feels Unsafe: Attachment Wounds & the Nervous System” – available now on The Grateful Living Podcast.
You’ll learn more about how your body might be reacting to love, and what you can do to start rewiring those patterns with care and compassion.
📥 And if you want personalised support, my 1:1 coaching and EFT sessions are designed exactly for this kind of heart-healing.
Love doesn’t have to feel like a battlefield.
You’re allowed to feel safe in it.
How EFT Helps When You’re Anxious, Triggered, or Overthinking
You’re Not “Too Much.” You’re Dysregulated.
We all have moments when our thoughts race, our chest tightens, and our nervous system screams that something is not okay — even if we can’t explain why.
This is what it feels like to spiral.
And contrary to what we were taught, the answer isn’t to “calm down” or “think positive.”
It’s to regulate.
To send safety signals to a body that’s scanning for threat.
That’s where EFT — Emotional Freedom Technique — comes in.
What Is EFT?
EFT is a nervous-system soothing tool that uses:
Tapping on acupressure points (like a form of emotional acupuncture)
Naming and accepting emotions
Gently shifting the story we tell ourselves
It’s powerful because it bypasses the logical brain and goes straight to the emotional and energetic centres that store trauma and stress.
Why It Helps When You’re Spiraling
When you’re overwhelmed, you don’t need to solve your problems — you need to feel safe.
EFT:
Reduces cortisol (the stress hormone)
Helps calm the fight/flight response
Brings you back into your body and breath
And it’s something you can do anytime, anywhere — even silently, if needed.
A Simple EFT Script to Try:
While tapping on the side of your hand, say:
“Even though I’m overwhelmed, I’m open to calming my system.”
“Even though my thoughts are racing, I honour how I feel.”
“Even though I feel stuck, I choose to come back into my body.”
Then move through:
Eyebrow: I’m spiraling and it’s hard to stop
Side of eye: These thoughts feel like too much
Under eye: My heart feels tight
Under nose: I honour how hard this moment is
Chin: And I choose to be gentle with myself
Collarbone: I can take one breath at a time
Under arm: I am coming back to me
Top of head: I choose calm, even if just a little
You’re Not Alone in This
If you’ve ever felt like you were drowning in thoughts or emotions — you’re not broken.
You’re human.
And your healing gets to be soft, somatic, and safe.
You can explore guided EFT videos or book a session with me for more personalised support.
✨ Ready to try tapping? Check out the Tap With Tally series here.
With love,
Talesha
Why You Keep Abandoning Yourself to Be Loved (and How to Stop)
If you’ve ever said yes when you meant no, felt guilty for resting, or found yourself prioritising everyone else’s emotions over your own — you’re not alone.
People-pleasing is often mistaken for being “nice” or “easy-going.” But in truth, it’s a deep nervous system response rooted in fear, survival, and early conditioning.
In this blogpost, we’ll unpack:
Why people-pleasing is more than a personality trait
The science behind it (spoiler: your nervous system plays a huge role)
How it links to trauma, attachment, and childhood dynamics
Evidence-based strategies to start healing and reclaim your self-trust
🧠 What Is People-Pleasing, Really?
At its core, people-pleasing is a fawn response — one of the four trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, and fawn). Coined by therapist Pete Walker, the fawn response describes when someone abandons their own needs to keep others happy, often as a survival mechanism.
👉 You may have learned early on:
Conflict wasn’t safe
Love was conditional
Approval had to be earned
So you became agreeable, helpful, adaptable — not out of preference, but out of necessity.
📖 The Psychology Behind It
1. Attachment Theory
According to Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, children form relational templates early in life based on how safe, attuned, and consistent their caregivers were.
If you developed an anxious or disorganised attachment style, you may have learned to anticipate and meet others’ needs to avoid rejection or abandonment.
2. Inner Child Dynamics
The “People-Pleaser” is often a wounded inner child — a part of you that believes love = performance or compliance. Shadow work helps you recognise this part not as weak or broken, but as a brilliant survival strategist.
🧬 The Neuroscience of People-Pleasing
Your brain and body are designed to keep you safe — not necessarily authentic.
When you sense a threat (even emotional), your amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) fires up. This can activate a hypoaroused state (freeze) or fawn response — which is a social survival mode.
Your vagus nerve — part of the parasympathetic nervous system — is key in regulating safety and social connection. When you’re dysregulated, your body will instinctively prioritise belonging over boundaries.
In people-pleasers, the nervous system often gets stuck in overdrive:
Overactive insula (hyper-awareness of others' emotions)
Underactive prefrontal cortex (difficulty asserting personal decisions under pressure)
🔎 Signs You’re Caught in a People-Pleasing Pattern
✔️ You say yes when you mean no
✔️ You avoid conflict at all costs
✔️ You apologise often, even when it’s not your fault
✔️ You feel responsible for how others feel
✔️ You feel guilty when you rest or take up space
✔️ You shift your personality to fit who you're with
These aren’t flaws — they’re adaptations.
But they come at a cost: resentment, burnout, and loss of self-identity.
🛠 How to Stop People-Pleasing: A Trauma-Informed Approach
1. Nervous System Regulation
Before you can set boundaries, your body needs to feel safe enough to do so.
Try:
EFT tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques)
Somatic practices like butterfly hugs, self-holding, vagus nerve breathing
Cold water splashes or polyvagal toning (like humming or chanting)
📚 Study Reference: Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory – explains how regulation of the vagus nerve supports emotional safety and resilience.
2. Awareness Without Shame
Begin noticing your internal dialogue.
When you feel the urge to say yes — pause. Ask:
“Is this a true yes, or a survival yes?”
Journaling can help you track patterns.
Noticing is the first step to interrupting.
3. Affirm Permission and Worthiness
Try daily affirmations such as:
“I am allowed to disappoint others and still be worthy of love.”
“My no is sacred.”
“I do not owe anyone my silence, compliance, or emotional labor.”
4. Start with Micro-Boundaries
Boundaries don’t have to be huge or harsh. Start small:
“I’ll get back to you.”
“I need to think about it.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
Each micro-boundary rewires your nervous system and strengthens your self-trust.
5. Reparent Your Inner Child
Visualise the younger version of you who felt love had to be earned.
Speak to her with tenderness. Tell her:
“You don’t have to perform anymore. You’re enough. You’re safe now.”
The People-Pleaser in you is not a flaw — she’s a brilliant protector who carried you through times when authenticity didn’t feel safe.
But now?
You’re allowed to choose truth over approval.
You’re allowed to belong to yourself.
You’re allowed to rest, say no, take up space, and trust that the right people will love you for your wholeness — not your self-abandonment.
📥 Want Support?
If you're ready to heal your People-Pleaser shadow through nervous system work, inner child healing, and powerful emotional tools like EFT.
Book a 1:1 session — a space for reclaiming the parts of you you had to hide to survive. DM me Healing on instagram and we’ll book a consultation call.
P.s. listen to our podcast exploring this, here.
It’s time to stop abandoning yourself. You’re safe now. 💛
With love,
Talesha x
How to Start Inner Child Healing Without Feeling Overwhelm
How to Start Inner Child Healing Without Feeling Overwhelmed
You’ve probably heard the term inner child — but what does it actually mean?
Your inner child is the part of you that first learned:
“I’m too much.”
“I don’t matter.”
“I have to earn love.”
“I’m not safe.”
She still lives inside you.
And often, she’s the one reacting when you feel triggered, unseen, abandoned, or anxious.
What Is Inner Child Healing?
It’s the process of reconnecting with, listening to, and nurturing the parts of you that never got what they needed — emotionally, physically, or spiritually.
This work matters because:
Your patterns aren’t random
Your triggers aren’t flaws
They’re messages from your younger self, asking to be seen
Signs Your Inner Child Needs You
You people-please or over-apologise
You freeze when you want to speak up
You fear rejection even in safe situations
You struggle to rest or receive love
You judge yourself for being “too emotional”
3 Ways to Begin Inner Child Healing
Write Letters to Your Younger Self
Use prompts like:“What were you feeling at age 7?”
“What did you need to hear but didn’t?”
“What does little me need from me today?”
Practice Inner Child Soothing
Place a hand on your heart and belly
Say: “You’re safe. I love you. I’m here.”
Rock, hum, or sway gently to calm your body
Visualize Holding Her
Picture yourself as a child
Imagine comforting her
Ask what she wants to say or feel
This Isn’t About Blame — It’s About Becoming
You’re not doing this work to point fingers.
You’re doing it so you can stop carrying what was never yours in the first place.
You’re allowed to cry, feel angry, grieve, and still love where you come from.
Healing means making space for both.
Ready to Go Deeper?
If you want a guide who’s walked this path and created a life rooted in softness, wholeness, and self-trust — let’s talk.
You deserve to feel safe inside your own skin.
Let’s start there. 💛
P.s. check out the podcast episode on this, here.
With love,
Talesha x
Why Regulating Your Nervous System Is Key (And What Happens When You Don’t)
Most of us are walking around with a dysregulated nervous system — not because we’re broken, but because we’ve spent years in environments that didn’t feel safe. Trauma, chronic stress, burnout, or even subtle emotional neglect in childhood can condition our bodies to live in constant survival mode.
🧠 Your nervous system controls more than just your stress response.
It governs digestion, heart rate, immune function, hormone balance, emotional regulation, and even your ability to connect with others. If your nervous system is stuck in “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn,” it becomes harder to:
– Sleep well
– Digest food properly
– Stay emotionally balanced
– Make grounded decisions
– Feel safe receiving love, money, or support
When dysregulated, the body perceives threat even when there is none. That’s why healing isn't just about “thinking positive” or forcing affirmations — it’s about helping your body feel safe again.
🌿 Regulation means returning to a state of safety and connection.
It doesn’t mean you never get stressed — it means your system can recover and return to baseline. This is called resilience. And it’s something you can train, with daily nervous system practices.
✨ By regularly regulating your nervous system, you’re not just calming yourself in the moment — you’re literally rewiring your brain, recalibrating your stress responses, and creating a new baseline of safety in your body.
If you’ve ever said:
“I don’t know why I reacted like that,”
“Why do I always freeze or shut down?”
“I want to feel more calm and in control,” —
…it might be time to bring nervous system healing into your self-care routine.
👇 Curious where to start?
Here are 7 practical and gentle ways to begin regulating your nervous system daily:
🔗 [Insert link to previous post]
With love & gratitude,
Talesha x
Why It’s So Hard to “Go With the Flow” When You’ve Lived in Survival Mode — And How to Heal Hypervigilance
Have you ever been told to “just relax” or “go with the flow” — and instead of feeling soothed, you felt… anxious?
Maybe your chest tightened. Maybe your thoughts raced. Maybe a part of you wanted to scream:
“I would if I could!”
If this resonates, I want you to know something:
You’re not broken. You’re not doing life wrong.
You’re healing from survival mode.
What Is Hypervigilance?
Hypervigilance is a trauma response.
It happens when your nervous system stays stuck in a high-alert state, long after the actual danger has passed.
You might:
Constantly scan for threats or problems
Over-plan every detail of your day
Avoid stillness or downtime
Feel uneasy when things are calm — as if the calm is too quiet to trust
It’s not in your head. It’s in your body.
This state of constant alertness may have protected you once.
Especially if you grew up around chaos, unpredictability, emotional neglect, or dysfunction — hypervigilance became your safety strategy.
And while it may have helped you survive, it’s now making peace feel foreign.
Why “Flow” Feels Unsafe
The idea of surrendering — of softening into the moment — sounds beautiful.
But for many of us who’ve lived in survival mode, flow can feel more like a threat than a gift.
Here’s why:
When your nervous system was wired in chaos, it learned that control = safety.
Letting go of that control can feel like:
Exposing yourself to danger
Being vulnerable to disappointment or harm
Losing your power or preparedness
Abandoning the only strategy that’s ever kept you “safe”
It’s not that you don’t want peace.
It’s that your body doesn’t yet know how to trust peace.
So, How Do We Heal Hypervigilance?
Healing hypervigilance isn’t about just “thinking positive” or forcing yourself to relax.
It’s about helping your body feel safe enough to rest.
To receive.
To stop bracing for impact.
Here are a few nervous system healing practices that gently rewire hypervigilance:
1. Massage Therapy
Safe, nurturing touch helps soften the body.
Massage isn’t just a luxury — it’s a powerful form of somatic healing. It reminds your body how to enter rest-and-receive mode after years of “fight-or-flight.”
It tells your nervous system:
“You don’t have to hold it all anymore.”
2. EFT Tapping
Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) helps the body release old beliefs like:
“I must be on alert to stay safe.”
Through gentle tapping on acupressure points, you’re giving your nervous system a new script:
“It’s safe to slow down. I can trust this moment.”
It works with your body — not against it.
3. Breathwork + Somatic Practices
When you pause to take a deep breath…
Place your feet on the floor…
Stretch, sway, or hum softly…
You’re sending a subtle, powerful message:
“We’re not in danger anymore.”
Tiny moments like this help create new associations in the body — calm = safe. Slowness = secure.
4. Relational Safety
Sometimes, the biggest healing happens in relationship.
Being around people, mentors, friends, or spaces that feel emotionally safe gives your body a chance to repattern.
You learn — through experience — that you no longer need to be on guard in the same way.
And that is huge.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been living with hypervigilance, please know this:
You’re not “too much.”
You’re not dramatic.
You’re not resistant to peace.
You’re healing from a life that made safety feel optional — or earned.
So when someone tells you to “just go with the flow,” and you freeze or panic or tense up — offer yourself compassion.
You’re not resisting life.
You’re slowly, courageously, learning to feel safe in life again.
And that? That deserves celebration.
Ready to keep exploring healing?
🎧 Tune into this episode on The Grateful Living Podcast where we dive deeper into hypervigilance, nervous system healing, and how to finally feel safe to soften.
Or browse my favourite healing tools — from massage and EFT to nervous system reset resources — at @thegratefulliving
7 Nervous System Healing Practices That Help You Move From Stress to Safety
Have you ever felt like your body was stuck in survival mode — even when nothing dangerous was happening?
When we experience stress, overwhelm, or emotional intensity, our nervous system often reacts the same way it would in a real threat: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Healing isn’t just mindset work — it’s body-based work.
Here are 7 nervous system tools I personally use to come back home to myself after stress or emotional overload. Each one is simple, gentle, and rooted in science-backed somatic practices.
1. Walking Outdoors
What it does:
Walking, especially in nature, stimulates the vestibular system, calms the amygdala (the brain's fear center), and helps regulate the vagus nerve, a key player in rest and digestion. The rhythmic movement of your feet against the ground offers grounding, regulation, and presence.
Why it helps:
Walking reconnects you to your environment. It shifts your energy out of looping thoughts and into your body. Nature adds another layer of healing by lowering cortisol levels and boosting mood with fresh air and natural light.
2. Legs Up the Wall
What it does:
This gentle inversion activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping to reduce heart rate, support lymphatic drainage, and lower stress hormones.
Why it helps:
When you're anxious or dysregulated, blood often pools in your limbs as part of a stress response. Elevating your legs signals to your body: it's safe to rest. It also eases tension in the lower back and promotes a sense of surrender.
3. Butterfly Taps (Bilateral Stimulation)
What it does:
Alternating gentle taps on each arm or shoulder stimulates both hemispheres of the brain, often used in EMDR to help process and soothe overwhelming emotions.
Why it helps:
It brings a sense of balance to the brain, calms racing thoughts, and helps the body feel safe in the present. It’s especially helpful when feeling stuck in trauma responses or looping thoughts.
4. Self-Holding Method (Peter Levine's Technique)
What it does:
Created by trauma expert Peter Levine, this method mimics the soothing containment we might receive from a hug or caregiver. It’s a somatic technique that signals safety and containment to the nervous system.
Why it helps:
Holding yourself this way slows your heart rate, supports emotional regulation, and reminds your body that it's no longer alone. It’s especially nurturing when you're feeling overwhelmed or emotionally raw.
5. EFT Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique)
What it does:
EFT uses gentle tapping on meridian points while speaking affirmations or processing emotions. It’s been shown to reduce cortisol, improve mood, and calm anxiety.
Why it helps:
It blends somatic work and subconscious reprogramming. You’re releasing emotional blockages through the body, while simultaneously affirming new beliefs. Tapping reminds your system: I'm safe. I'm here. I'm allowed to feel.
6. Child’s Pose
What it does:
Child’s Pose is a restorative yoga posture that supports deep vagal tone (which helps your body shift into rest and repair). It helps calm the mind and lower physical tension.
Why it helps:
It’s a posture of surrender, humility, and protection. It allows your body to rest while being held by the earth — especially helpful before activating movement like shaking. For me, it's the pause before I reclaim my energy.
7. Somatic Shaking
What it does:
Shaking helps discharge stored stress and trauma. Animals do this instinctively after a threat — and so can we. It activates the body’s natural release mechanism.
Why it helps:
When we don’t complete the stress cycle, it stays stuck in the body. Shaking helps release that energy and bring us back to a regulated state — often with more clarity, aliveness, and groundedness.
Healing isn’t about fixing — it’s about remembering.
These practices don’t erase the stress. They remind your body it’s safe to soften, to exhale, and to be here now.
Want to learn how to integrate these tools into your own healing journey?
🧡 My Healing Girl Summer Bundle was created to gently guide you back to yourself with somatic tools, self-paced resources, and holistic support.
DM “HEALING GIRL” to claim your bundle before it ends.
🎙️ P.S. My podcast is live!
If you’re craving more healing tools, nervous system support, or gentle encouragement — come listen to The Grateful Living Podcast. Listen here 💫
With love & gratitude,
Talesha
Why Your Procrastination Is Actually a Fear of Success — and How to Overcome It
We’ve all been there.
You know what you need to do. You want to do it. You’ve made the list. You’ve got the plan. And yet… you scroll, snack, or tidy your space for the 12th time.
It’s easy to assume procrastination is just laziness or a lack of discipline — but the truth runs much deeper. In most cases, procrastination is rooted in emotional avoidance and often, a subtle but powerful fear of success.
Let’s dive into the psychology of procrastination and uncover how to actually overcome it.
First, What Is Procrastination — Really?
Procrastination isn’t a time-management issue. It’s an emotional response. According to psychologist Dr. Tim Pychyl, procrastination stems from our desire to avoid discomfort. We don’t delay tasks because we’re incapable — we delay because they trigger unpleasant emotions like:
Anxiety
Boredom
Fear of failure
Fear of judgment
Or even fear of what happens if we succeed
Instead of facing those emotions head-on, we opt for instant relief:
a scroll through TikTok, another snack, a nap, or busywork that feels productive but isn’t the main thing we need to do.
The Hidden Fear of Success
While fear of failure is often acknowledged, fear of success is sneakier. It sounds counterintuitive — who wouldn't want to succeed? But success brings its own weight:
What if I can’t maintain this level of performance?
What if people expect more from me now?
What if I’m visible and get judged or criticized?
What if success changes my relationships?
Your nervous system may associate success with pressure, exposure, or responsibility — so you delay progress to avoid those outcomes.
This creates an internal tug-of-war: You want the reward, but fear what comes with it. So your brain chooses the easiest option — avoidance.
The Psychology Behind Procrastination
🧠 Dr. Tim Pychyl:
“Procrastination is about emotion regulation.”
We delay tasks not because we’re lazy — but because they feel emotionally threatening. Your brain is wired to avoid discomfort and seek safety. That safety often comes in the form of short-term gratification: something quick, soothing, and familiar.
This creates a feedback loop:
Unpleasant task → negative emotion → avoidance → instant relief → reinforced behavior.
But that relief is temporary. The task still looms, often creating more stress, guilt, and shame.
🧪 The Zeigarnik Effect:
This psychological principle says that our brain holds onto unfinished tasks. When you start something — even a small step — you create “mental tension” that makes you more likely to return and complete it.
This is why just writing one sentence of your blog, or working on a task for just 10 minutes, can be a powerful way to disrupt procrastination.
📊 Temporal Motivation Theory (Piers Steel):
Steel explains procrastination through four main factors:
Expectancy – Do I believe I can succeed at this task?
Value – How meaningful or rewarding is it?
Impulsivity – How easily am I distracted or emotionally dysregulated?
Delay – How far off is the reward or consequence?
If you don’t believe you can do it, the task feels meaningless, you're easily distracted, and the reward feels far away — you're more likely to put it off.
So How Do We Stop Procrastinating?
Here’s the truth: Overcoming procrastination is a skill.
It’s not about shaming yourself into action — it’s about developing tools to manage discomfort, shift your mindset, and take small, consistent steps.
Let’s break it down:
1. Create Better Habits & Structures
✅ Block your to-do list into time slots — like appointments
✅ Choose 3 non-negotiable tasks each day
✅ Tackle the hardest task in the morning (when your willpower is strongest)
Pro Tip: If you usually avoid a task, make it the first thing you do. Getting it done early clears mental space and boosts confidence.
2. Train Your Brain to Tolerate Discomfort
Start building emotional resilience by recognizing the discomfort — and choosing action anyway.
Here are three powerful tools:
Mel Robbins’ 5-Second Rule: Count down from 5 and physically move toward the task
The 10-Minute Rule: Just start. You’re only committing to 10 minutes. After that, you can stop (but most times, you won’t)
Break the task down into micro-steps: “Open the document” is a win. “Write one sentence” is progress.
3. Build Self-Belief & Rewire Your Mindset
So much procrastination stems from not believing you can succeed.
Ways to increase self-belief:
🔁 Reframe your self-talk: Replace “I can’t do this” with “I’m learning how to do hard things”
✔️ Prove it to yourself: Celebrate every small task completed — reward yourself and reinforce positive emotions
👁️🗨️ Visualize your success: Picture the outcome. Feel how it would feel to finish and succeed
Each of these rewires your brain’s association with the task — from fear to confidence.
4. Regulate the Real Emotions Behind the Avoidance
Professor Fuschia Sirois notes that procrastination is often an emotional regulation issue.
The tasks we delay are usually:
Tedious
Stressful
Unpleasant
Anxiety-provoking
Linked to deeper fears (perfectionism, criticism, rejection)
In those moments, we distract ourselves with tasks that feel productive, like organizing or emailing — but they’re still avoidance.
This is where the real healing begins.
Ask yourself:
What am I really feeling when I look at this task?
What am I afraid might happen if I succeed (or fail)?
Am I trying to regulate emotions in a healthy way — or avoid them entirely?
The Real Work: Inner Healing
Procrastination isn’t just about time. It’s about:
Self-trust
Emotional regulation
Healing your relationship with success, failure, and worthiness
We live in a society obsessed with productivity — and when we struggle to meet those standards, we spiral into guilt and shame. But those feelings only fuel more avoidance.
The real way out? Compassion.
Start by saying: “I don’t like this. So how can I support myself to do it anyway?”
Final Thoughts: Action Beats Inaction, Every Time
You’re not behind. You’re not lazy. You’re not broken.
You’re just someone who needs emotional safety before they can take action. And once you understand that, you’re no longer at the mercy of procrastination.
One step. One small shift. One decision to act through the fear instead of waiting for it to go away.
Because the truth is:
Action builds confidence. Avoidance builds fear.
You’ve got this.
💬 Have you struggled with procrastination recently? What’s one task you’re ready to start today — even if it’s just for 10 minutes?
Let me know in the comments.
Imperfect action is better than no action
In a world where perfectionism is rampant, it’s hard to take action without the fear of making a mistake. I definitely find myself stressing and obsessing over getting things absolutely perfect. This means I hardly ever finish things, and consequently, I have a laptop filled with half finished blog posts, phone notes with bright ideas I haven’t acted upon, and notebooks with fragments of poems scribbled in them.
Whilst looking through my notes of “bright ideas” I found some quotes I’d typed up from James Clear’s book Atomic Habits.
‘Success is the product of daily habits—not once-in-a-lifetime transformations’.
‘Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you want to become.’
‘A habit must be established before it can be improved’
In his book Atomic Habits and the many podcasts he has been on, James Clear speaks about how he made a commitment to himself to write every day and to upload blog posts twice a week - every Monday and Thursday. He did this for three years without fail, granted some posts were a few sentences long, but he showed up nonetheless and did not break his commitment to himself.
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on my career and how I seem to be avoiding doing the thing I love the most, writing. I know that my style and writing ability is a work in progress, like most things it takes consistency, dedication and courage to “make it” as a writer, and by this I mean creating meaningful work that generates enough income to pay the bills.
So, as a creative who struggles with consistency and self doubt, I really need to establish the habit of writing and challenge my fear of being criticised and rejected. It requires me to first allow myself to be vulnerable, as Brené Brown states: “vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” Secondly, I need to show up for myself no matter how terrifying it might seem.
I decided to take a leaf out of James Clear’s book and start taking imperfect action. I’ve committed to writing a sentence a day and hope to increase this slowly to a hundred words then so on and so forth. I hope to be able to post one blog post a week. I guess I’m writing this to keep me accountable.
If, like me, you are looking to build a new habit, I’ve listed below some of the tips James gives to help people build habits sustainably. However, the most effective way to learn about this is to read or listen to his book. I found it to be incredibly inspiring and motivating.
In the meantime, here are three steps he recommends to make something a habit:
Start small - for me it’s one sentence. For you it could be one push up or reading one page of a book or meditating for one minute.
Increase your habit in small ways - Here he talks about one percent improvements, asking yourself how you can be or do 1% better today than yesterday. These one percent improvements add up surprisingly fast. So going back to the example of the push up, maybe it’s ensuring your form is correct. In the case of meditation, maybe it’s really focusing on your breath and being present for 1 minute.
As you build up, break habits into chunks - So, if my goal is to write 1000 words a day, perhaps I could write 500 words with a 25 minute break, then writing another 500 words. Or maybe it’s just working in 25 minute blocks until I reach my goal. If your goal is to meditate 20 minutes a day, maybe you want to do 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening. If you want to do 50 sit ups you could do 5 sets of 10.
In the book he provides a helpful framework for building new habits. He explains that building a habit can be divided into four steps: cue, craving, response and reward. “These four steps form a neurological feedback loop—cue, craving, response, reward; cue, craving, response, reward—that ultimately allows you to create automatic habits (Clear: 2022). These four steps can be transformed into a practical framework used to create good habits and eliminate bad habits. This framework he labels ‘The Four Laws of Behaviour Change’. They are:
How to Create a Good Habit:
The 1st law (Cue) - Make it obvious.
The 2nd law (Craving) - Make it attractive.
The 3rd law (Response) - Make it easy.
The 4th law (Reward) - Make it satisfying.
I’ll do my best to give a brief explanation, but I really do recommend the audio or book to fully understand and absorb the concept.
The cue is what triggers the brain to initiate a behaviour. So in order to create a good habit, the cue should be obvious. For example, if the habit was to go for a daily walk, a cue could be to lay out your walking boots and coat so you see it as soon as you get up, prompting you to go for a walk. The craving refers to the motivational force behind the action. He states that without craving a change, we have no reason to act. I guess this means digging into the deep why - maybe you want some time for yourself or to live a healthier lifestyle. For this we need to make it attractive and enjoyable. A couple of suggestions might be: having your headphones ready and saving an interesting podcast for the walk, listening to your favourite music during this time or maybe you take a nice cup of coffee in a flask with you, whatever will make it more enjoyable and fun. Next is the response, this is the actual habit you have to perform (in this case the walk) and finally, it’s the reward which is the end goal of every habit, the feeling of pleasure of having completed the goal.
We can invert these laws to learn how to break a bad habit.
How to Break a Bad Habit:
Inversion of the 1st law (Cue) - Make it invisible.
Inversion of the 2ndlaw (Craving) - Make it unattractive.
Inversion of the 3rdlaw (Response) - Make it difficult.
Inversion of the 4thlaw (Reward) - Make it unsatisfying.
I really recommend implementing some of these steps and of course, going back to the source material, links below!
Are you building any habits this year? Did this help? Let me know by leaving a comment below, emailing me or messaging me on instagram.
Clear, J., (2022), How To Start New Habits That Actually Stick, [online]., Available from: https://jamesclear.com/three-steps-habit-change
Atomic Habits by James Clear:
World of Books: https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/james-clear/atomic-habits/9781847941831
Amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Atomic-Habits-Proven-Build-Break/dp/1847941834
Waterstones: https://www.waterstones.com/book/atomic-habits/james-clear/9781847941831