Why You Keep Abandoning Yourself to Be Loved (and How to Stop)
If you’ve ever said yes when you meant no, felt guilty for resting, or found yourself prioritising everyone else’s emotions over your own — you’re not alone.
People-pleasing is often mistaken for being “nice” or “easy-going.” But in truth, it’s a deep nervous system response rooted in fear, survival, and early conditioning.
In this blogpost, we’ll unpack:
Why people-pleasing is more than a personality trait
The science behind it (spoiler: your nervous system plays a huge role)
How it links to trauma, attachment, and childhood dynamics
Evidence-based strategies to start healing and reclaim your self-trust
🧠 What Is People-Pleasing, Really?
At its core, people-pleasing is a fawn response — one of the four trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, and fawn). Coined by therapist Pete Walker, the fawn response describes when someone abandons their own needs to keep others happy, often as a survival mechanism.
👉 You may have learned early on:
Conflict wasn’t safe
Love was conditional
Approval had to be earned
So you became agreeable, helpful, adaptable — not out of preference, but out of necessity.
📖 The Psychology Behind It
1. Attachment Theory
According to Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, children form relational templates early in life based on how safe, attuned, and consistent their caregivers were.
If you developed an anxious or disorganised attachment style, you may have learned to anticipate and meet others’ needs to avoid rejection or abandonment.
2. Inner Child Dynamics
The “People-Pleaser” is often a wounded inner child — a part of you that believes love = performance or compliance. Shadow work helps you recognise this part not as weak or broken, but as a brilliant survival strategist.
🧬 The Neuroscience of People-Pleasing
Your brain and body are designed to keep you safe — not necessarily authentic.
When you sense a threat (even emotional), your amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) fires up. This can activate a hypoaroused state (freeze) or fawn response — which is a social survival mode.
Your vagus nerve — part of the parasympathetic nervous system — is key in regulating safety and social connection. When you’re dysregulated, your body will instinctively prioritise belonging over boundaries.
In people-pleasers, the nervous system often gets stuck in overdrive:
Overactive insula (hyper-awareness of others' emotions)
Underactive prefrontal cortex (difficulty asserting personal decisions under pressure)
🔎 Signs You’re Caught in a People-Pleasing Pattern
✔️ You say yes when you mean no
✔️ You avoid conflict at all costs
✔️ You apologise often, even when it’s not your fault
✔️ You feel responsible for how others feel
✔️ You feel guilty when you rest or take up space
✔️ You shift your personality to fit who you're with
These aren’t flaws — they’re adaptations.
But they come at a cost: resentment, burnout, and loss of self-identity.
🛠 How to Stop People-Pleasing: A Trauma-Informed Approach
1. Nervous System Regulation
Before you can set boundaries, your body needs to feel safe enough to do so.
Try:
EFT tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques)
Somatic practices like butterfly hugs, self-holding, vagus nerve breathing
Cold water splashes or polyvagal toning (like humming or chanting)
📚 Study Reference: Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory – explains how regulation of the vagus nerve supports emotional safety and resilience.
2. Awareness Without Shame
Begin noticing your internal dialogue.
When you feel the urge to say yes — pause. Ask:
“Is this a true yes, or a survival yes?”
Journaling can help you track patterns.
Noticing is the first step to interrupting.
3. Affirm Permission and Worthiness
Try daily affirmations such as:
“I am allowed to disappoint others and still be worthy of love.”
“My no is sacred.”
“I do not owe anyone my silence, compliance, or emotional labor.”
4. Start with Micro-Boundaries
Boundaries don’t have to be huge or harsh. Start small:
“I’ll get back to you.”
“I need to think about it.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
Each micro-boundary rewires your nervous system and strengthens your self-trust.
5. Reparent Your Inner Child
Visualise the younger version of you who felt love had to be earned.
Speak to her with tenderness. Tell her:
“You don’t have to perform anymore. You’re enough. You’re safe now.”
The People-Pleaser in you is not a flaw — she’s a brilliant protector who carried you through times when authenticity didn’t feel safe.
But now?
You’re allowed to choose truth over approval.
You’re allowed to belong to yourself.
You’re allowed to rest, say no, take up space, and trust that the right people will love you for your wholeness — not your self-abandonment.
📥 Want Support?
If you're ready to heal your People-Pleaser shadow through nervous system work, inner child healing, and powerful emotional tools like EFT.
Book a 1:1 session — a space for reclaiming the parts of you you had to hide to survive. DM me Healing on instagram and we’ll book a consultation call.
P.s. listen to our podcast exploring this, here.
It’s time to stop abandoning yourself. You’re safe now. 💛
With love,
Talesha x