Making Space for Joy When You've Spent Your Life Surviving

A few weeks ago, I met up with some of my university friends for dinner. What was supposed to be a quick catch-up turned into one of those evenings where you completely lose track of time. We laughed, reminisced about old memories, talked about where life has taken us and somehow ended up sitting there until after one in the morning.

On the way home, I found myself smiling. Not because anything extraordinary had happened, but because I felt different. I felt lighter. More energised. More present. It made me realise how much I'd needed that evening and how much I'd missed creating space for things that simply bring me joy.

I've become very good at making space for work, responsibilities, healing and growth. I love what I do and I genuinely feel grateful that I get to support women through coaching, energy work and holistic therapies. But that evening made me realise that whilst I've been making space for purpose, I haven't always been making enough space for play.

The more I reflected on it, the more I realised that this wasn't really about seeing my friends. It was about recognising how easy it is to spend so much of your life surviving that you forget how to enjoy it.

When Survival Mode Becomes Your Normal

I think many of us underestimate how much survival mode shapes our lives.

When we hear the phrase "survival mode," we often imagine someone going through a major crisis. However, survival mode isn't always dramatic. Sometimes it looks like constantly being busy. Always having a to-do list. Always focusing on what's next. Always carrying responsibilities. Always being the person everyone relies on.

For many women, especially those who have experienced grief, trauma, difficult childhoods or periods of chronic stress, survival mode can become a way of life. You become incredibly capable. You learn how to cope. You learn how to keep going, even when life feels heavy.

Whilst resilience is something to be proud of, there is a downside. When you're constantly focused on managing life, it's easy to forget to experience it.

I know this is something I've had to reflect on personally. Growing up, there were a lot of situations that required me to grow up quickly. Like many people who have experienced difficult circumstances at a young age, I became very good at being responsible. Very good at coping. Very good at carrying on.

What nobody teaches you, though, is how to make joy a priority.

Why Joy Can Feel Uncomfortable

One of the most interesting things I've noticed, both in myself and in my clients, is that joy can actually feel uncomfortable when you've spent years in survival mode.

You finally get a day off and immediately start thinking about everything you should be doing.

You sit down to rest and feel guilty.

You spend money on something enjoyable and question whether you really needed it.

You prioritise yourself and suddenly feel selfish.

If you've ever experienced this, you're not alone.

The truth is that our nervous systems become familiar with certain states. If you've spent years operating from responsibility, stress, pressure or hyper-independence, those states can start to feel normal. Familiarity often feels safer than change, even when the change is healthier for us.

This means that slowing down, resting or prioritising joy can feel unfamiliar at first. Not because it's wrong, but because it's different.

The Science Behind Joy

One of the things I found fascinating whilst reflecting on this topic is that joy isn't just an emotion. It's also a physiological experience.

When we spend time with people we care about, laugh, create, play or engage in activities we genuinely enjoy, our bodies release chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins.

You don't need to know all the science behind them to understand the impact. These chemicals help us feel connected, motivated, calm and supported. They influence our mood, our stress levels and even how safe we feel in our bodies.

In other words, joy isn't simply a luxury or a reward for working hard.

It's something that actively supports our wellbeing.

This is one of the reasons why I felt so different after that dinner with my friends. It wasn't just that I'd had a nice evening. My nervous system had experienced connection, laughter and presence. My body responded accordingly.

When we think about joy in this way, it becomes much harder to dismiss it as something frivolous or unimportant.

What My Apothecary Taught Me About My Inner Child

Recently, I've been spending time testing candles, creating sprays and developing products for my apothecary. What I've noticed is that when I'm creating, I completely lose track of time.

I become immersed in the process.

There's no pressure.

No outcome I'm desperately trying to achieve.

Just creativity.

The other day, whilst I was making a batch of products, I suddenly remembered something from my childhood.

I used to drive my mum absolutely mad because I'd go into the bathroom and start mixing together shampoos, bubble baths and whatever else I could find to make little "potions." Outside, I'd collect flowers, leaves and herbs and create mud pies and imaginary concoctions.

Looking back, it suddenly made perfect sense why opening an apothecary feels so aligned.

The clues were there all along.

The things that brought me joy as a little girl are often the same things that bring me joy as an adult.

I think that's true for many of us.

We spend so much time trying to figure out who we're supposed to become that we forget to look at who we've always been.

Healing Isn't Just About Processing Pain

Something I've been thinking about a lot recently is how often healing is framed as fixing ourselves.

We're encouraged to work through our wounds, process our trauma, challenge limiting beliefs and identify what isn't working.

All of that has value.

But I wonder if sometimes we become so focused on healing our pain that we forget to build a life that feels good.

Because healing isn't just about reducing suffering.

It's also about increasing your capacity for joy.

It's about creating positive experiences.

It's about laughter.

Connection.

Creativity.

Meaning.

Pleasure.

It's about teaching your nervous system that life isn't only something to endure. It's also something to enjoy.

Remembering Who You Were Before Life Got Heavy

One of the biggest lessons I've been sitting with recently is this:

Healing isn't always about becoming someone new.

Sometimes it's about remembering who you were before life got heavy.

Before the responsibilities.

Before the grief.

Before the heartbreak.

Before survival mode became your normal.

Who were you?

What did you love doing?

What made you lose track of time?

What brought you joy?

Those questions might tell you more about your next chapter than any goal-setting exercise ever could.

Because perhaps the next stage of healing isn't another thing to fix.

Perhaps it's giving yourself permission to play again.

To create again.

To laugh again.

To live again.

A Gentle Invitation

As you move through the rest of this week, I'd love to invite you to ask yourself a simple question:

What brings me joy?

Not what makes you productive.

Not what makes you money.

Not what looks impressive from the outside.

What genuinely brings you joy?

And when was the last time you made space for it?

Because if there's one thing I'm learning right now, it's that joy isn't the reward waiting for us at the end of healing.

Joy is part of the healing.

With gratitude,

Tally x

P.S. If this resonated with you, I've explored this topic in more depth in this week's episode of The Grateful Living Podcast, Making Space for Joy When You've Spent Your Life Surviving. I'd love for you to have a listen.