My Journey to Loving Myself More
I should preface this by saying- I am still a work in progress. I am still trying to love and accept myself. I think this will be something I will have to work at for the rest of my life. Especially as I move through different phases and experience more life lessons and challenges.
All my life people have told me that I lack self-esteem and confidence in myself, but no one ever told me what I needed to do to improve it. I guess at the root of all self-esteem and confidence issues, is that feeling of unworthiness and self-loathing. I have always be a very self-critical and self-conscious person. I always felt like I was never enough or I would compare myself to others. Obviously, this has never work and only ever made me feel worse about myself. So, it became apparent that I should try and like myself.
Comparison
Whilst loving and accepting yourself starts with yourself, outside influences can really impact your confidence (well at least I know it effected mine). Especially during the age of social media, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. We compare our bodies with pictures posted on Instagram and ones in magazines, forgetting they have been edited, photoshopped and adjusted to look a certain way. We judge our lives in comparison to other peoples, forgetting this is a curated highlight reel. I mean no one is posting pictures of them post anxiety attack, after losing their job or on their bad days. So, I started by unfollowed a lot of accounts that made me feel horrible about myself such as fashion bloggers, magazines, clothing companies and started following account that interested, empowered and motivated me. For example, I recommend @i_weigh (a movement set up my Jameela Jamil), @gabbybernstein, @anisahamat_ , @yung_pueblo, Jay Shetty and etc. I find that following these account, most of which a coaches or writers or just people in general that share honestly and authentically helps me to compare less and focus more on the positives that social media can bring. For example, a lot of the people I follow are coaches which share quotes, stories and tips for self improvement.
Looking Inwards
I know a big part of where the feeling of unworthiness and self loathing came from not liking myself, being ashamed of things I’d done, how I had behaved and feelings of guilt and shame. I knew I needed to heal this and do the shadow work and accept accountability for my life, my actions, thoughts and feelings. This work is difficult and requires a lot of stillness, isolation and reflection to look at all the uncomfortable parts of yourself, to see how and why they have come to be and to choose to heal this so that you can be free of this past story. To see how I did this please read my previous blog post ‘Bitterness to Betterment’ . Once I had done this work, I was able to replace these negative & harmful habits with new and better ones.
Gratitude
One of the habits I cultivated was practicing gratitude. We often dwell on the things that went wrong but we rarely dwell on the things that went right. We are constantly striving for more, we seldom celebrate what we have. Writing a gratitude list to appreciate the things in my life and things that happened during my day helped me shift my perspective. This alongside listing three things you are proud of yourself for achieving can turn what you thought was a bad day into a good day. Even if it was just getting up, getting showered and getting dressed. It is noticing the achievements and celebrating them, no matter how small you think they may be. You begin to feel so much happier when you begin to appreciate everything in your life and all the small moments of joy like your perfect coffee or the bird’s song or a moment in the sun. It’s about learning to cheer for yourself and cultivating happiness in the small things that help you feel happier on the inside. That happiness radiates out of you and people begin to notice.
Celebrate Yourself
I know I have already mentioned Jameela Jamil’s I Weigh Movement but I wanted to explain why it has been significant to my journey. The movement inspires people to weigh themselves according to their accomplishments rather than just a number on a scale. This led me to write a list of all my accomplishments. Once I began to notice, process and acknowledge my achievements this made me feel like less of a failure for not achieving all the things my peers had achieved. I was not comparing my life to theirs because I understood that our journeys were different and that I should be proud of what I have overcome and achieved. It reminded me that I am successful despite feelings of unworthiness and anxiety. I reminded me that I have lived through so much, I am resilient, strong and brave and I actually admire myself for those qualities. This helped me to be able to write a list of things I liked about myself. Like I said earlier, liking yourself an achievement and is ultimately going to help you to love yourself.
You Are What You Consume
Like I have previously mentioned in reference to social media, comparison robs us of happiness. Equally, consuming the wrong things can prevent us from being our best selves. I had to ask myself is this serving me or hurting me? Is this helping me become the person I want to become? To heal, grow & change requires sacrifice and accountability. I recognised that binge watching my favourite TV shows (however enjoyable) and wasting hours on end scrolling social media was not helping me become the person I wanted to become. Don’t get me wrong I still do all these things from time to time, I go through waves but that’s all part of being human. It’s just that I don’t want to be like this all the time. I want to use these tools to grow. I want to seek out content that is going to self me. This is why following people I admire, listening to podcasts that inspire and watching things that bring me joy (in moderation) is important to me.
I found that listening to motivational podcasts (Lewis Howes’ School of Greatness) and spiritual teachings by Gabrielle Bernstein, Jay Shetty, and other helped me to grow and their teachings helped me to heal, create healthy habits and allowed me to practice self compassion which I believe is key to loving yourself. If fact, after watching a Lewis’s Howes video with Marisa Peers, and as soon as I had finished it I wrote on my mirror ‘I am enough’. I began to repeat it almost every day.
Another switch I have made, is trading magazine for books about self-improvement or reading empowering poetry such as Nikita Gill’s ‘Fierce Fairytales and other stories to stir your soul’. I recently read Gabrielle Bernstein’s book ‘Judgement Detox: Release the Beliefs That Hold You Back from Living a Better Life”. This was an important tool for healing and becoming aware of self-judgement and how it made me feel. The EFT or “tapping” exercises I was aware of beforehand as I used it as a coping mechanism for my anxiety. However, using it to heal my judgement has really helped. This book as helped me notice my judgemental thoughts and the deep wounds behind them. I would recommend this book to anyone how wants to become a more loving and less judgmental person to both themselves and others.
Affirmations
Affirmations have also been a big part of changing the way I think about myself and trying to love myself more. This is because it helps to correct negative self talk and how we think about ourselves. However, in order for affirmations to work you must also cultivate how you want to feel with the affirmations. Emotions are energy in motion and emotion is what helps to fuel the affirmation into being. I will share a few with you in hopes that they will help you too.
“I am enough”, “I am worthy”, “I am loved, loving and lovable”, I am forgiven and I am forgiving”, “I stand in my power”, “Dear Universe please help me see how loving, lovable and loved I am”, “I recognise my growth and I love myself for it”, “I recognise how loved, loving and loveable I am”, “I choose to fully and completely love and accept myself”, “I am proud of who I am becoming”, “ I am so proud of myself for healing all the beliefs that no longer serve my highest and greatest good”.
Similarly, another practice of self-love I have started, is when putting on face cream or after a shower when I am drying myself I repeat that I love my skin and I love and appreciate my body and everything it does for me. I repeat again as I put on lotion/oil until I am done. Again affirmations, appreciate and gratitude is what shifts your attitude but you have to truly feel it.
However, my spiritual practice was the biggest thing that helped me to love my self, forgive myself, give me confidence and help my anxiety. Without my spiritual practice, I probably would never have noticed my need to heal or change. My spiritual practice gave me an awareness and provide me with the tools and guidance I needed to heal the self-loathing. It taught me to live in the flow, to trust, to try not to control, to let go of expectation and remind me I am more than this body. Being of service gave me self -worth. Spiritual practice gave me confidence and trust in myself, my destiny and a greater power than me. And for that, I am truly grateful.
Exercise
As you may know if you’ve read my previous blog posts, I have always struggled with how a feel about my body which has impacted my happiness and prevented me to loving myself fully and completely. Believe me when I say before now, I never really enjoyed exercise or taken a particular interest in fitness. However, working out and walking has positively impacted my mental health and made me feel stronger and happier in my body. Whilst I did start it with the wrong intentions (to lose weight to feel better) it has really helped me to feel empowered in my body and confident in my body which has been the greatest achievement. It has allowed me to appreciate all that my body does for me rather than just berate it for not looking how I want it to. Big shout of to my cousin and fitness coach Danni from DC Coaching for helping me to achieve this. Without a doubt this has helped me to change my perspective on my body image. I now (for the most part) love and accept my body for all that it is.
Self Compassion
This was probably the single most powerful practice that created the biggest shift in my journey to loving myself more deeply and completely. This is about being understanding and forgiving, its about seeing yourself through the eyes of love, compassion, empathy and kindness. Of course accountability is important, recognising that you have control over your thoughts and actions and therefore you are responsible for them, both good and bad. This can sometimes lead us to beating ourselves up for making mistakes or bad decision, but this gets us not where. Once we take away blame, shame, guilt and itself focus on improving, growing forgiving we can shift how we perceive a situation. By practicing accountability alongside self compassion, we can help us see our mistakes as opportunities for growth.
Hire A Coach
I recently hired a coach and it was the best decision I have every made. Hiring someone to help keep you accountable and to help give you the tools to become a better version of yourself is one of the best things you can do, especially if you are struggling or don’t know where to start. Though I started this journey in 2018, it was 2020 when I fully felt like I had achieved self love. This was because of my amazing coach Saoirse. coa Saoirse has helped me to implement all these practices and really helped me to address negative self talk and beliefs preventing me from being happy and prating self love. I can now say after such a long journey, I love myself fully and completely for the first time in a long time. Obviously I have moments when I don’t feel great about myself but I still love myself and who I have become and for me that is the ultimate goal. Progress not perfection.
Thank you for reading. I really hope this helps you with your journey to loving and accepting yourself because you deserve it. Simply existing means that you are enough, exactly as you are. You are enough therefore you are worthy. I hope you know that you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved. But most of all you deserve your own love and affection.
Reframing and Reclaiming Anger
It’s no secret that I often write from a place of anger. I’ve always considered anger to be a negative thing, and that being labelled angry was something to be ashamed of. I would go as far as to say, I was reluctant to share my work because I was worried about being labelled angry, I was scared of how people would see me because of it. I felt this way because from my understanding and experiences, anger was deemed a negative trait, no one I’ve ever met has proudly owned being angry. Instead, we are often shamed for demonstrating anger.
The first poem I wrote about anger captures those sentiments exactly, I wrote it as a journal entry when someone asked me to describe my anger.
The Beast Called Anger
Let me tell you about this beast called anger. A beast that sits, rots, and eats away at your insides. It burns like a dragon’s breath and inflicts pain like an unsheathed dagger. It will use your guts and bones as a scaling ladder. You can taste its bitterness in the words that slip through your lips. You can feel its power in your hasty actions and your involuntary reactions. This beast called anger, it will not surrender. This beast called anger must be chained, trained and tamed. It must be self-contained before it comes unrestrained. For the damage it will sustain will leave us bruised, battered, and broken. This beast called anger leaves a wake of guilt and shame. It points its fingers and blames, deflecting accountability it complains about the actions of others but refrains from holding up the mirror to see it was its own fault all along.
When I reread this poem, I can feel the shame and judgement I felt for having these feelings. But I know behind the anger was a scared, hurt child. I recently came across a social media post by Lyndsey Gallant who shared that their therapist said that “your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well and with kindness. Your anger is part of you that loves you”.
This, along with the shadow work I had done (I’ll explain this later) was a revelation and completely changed the way I saw my anger. It made me think back to all the times I felt rage - whilst it was probably not the best way to deal with a situation, I can see now that I felt it because a boundary had been crossed. I felt someone’s behaviour was unacceptable, I felt mistreated and disrespected or that there was a threat to my safety and security. I see now that my anger showed up for me to protect me and because it felt I deserved more, I deserved to feel safe, secure and loved.
‘Rage represents one of your body’s self-defense options. It’s choosing to fight instead of flee or freeze. According to Daniel Goleman, anger is triggered by a sense that we are endangered. Physical threats as well as threats to our self-esteem or dignity–such as being treated unjustly or rudely–can both lead to rage’ (Anderson: 2000:179).
We women (especially women of colour) are taught to quell our anger. We are often discouraged from expressing it. Instead we are conditioned to be passive, to silently obey and be the dutiful daughter, granddaughter etc. To be unfazed and passive even when something has deeply upset us. But why is being labelled angry as such a bad thing, why are women not given permission to feel angry? It also makes me wonder what happened to their rage? How did they transmute it? How did they release it?
For me, “releasing” took the form of writing as a way to healthy process my anger. It wasn’t until I started to do my healing work that I began to notice just how differently women’s anger was perceived in comparison to a man’s, it was so much more unacceptable, and I began to share this disparity through my poetry.
It is my belief that women have been dissuaded from being angry because people recognise the power that anger can have in creating change. Rage can be powerful, rage can fuel rebellions and create social change, just look at the Women’s suffrage and civil rights movements. It started with outrage at the way they were being treated. Anger used in the right way can be powerful. It can fuel rebellions and spark change. Perhaps this is why we are taught to be ashamed of it, people fear what it could mean for them because heaven forbid we begin to question the unequal power dynamics and injustices in the world.
‘Rage insists upon righting the injustice and restoring your sense of self-worth’ (Anderson: 2000:178).
I’m not saying I was ever going to change the world with my anger but maybe it would have changed MY world. Maybe if I was taught that anger if used in a healthy way could be powerful I wouldn't have suppressed it which would have prevented outbursts. My anger could have helped me to assert myself in a healthier way, yet by denying and feeling ashamed of it, I became self destructive.
‘Rage can be both destructive and constructive. Your risk is to transform energy into healthy assertiveness–that is, to take positive actions on your own behalf’(Anderson: 2000:178).
I recently have been doing some inner healing work or “shadow work” to help me reframe and reclaim my anger. I would label anger as a shadow aspect or just the ‘“shadow” as psychologist Carl Jung called it. So what is it? Shadow (aspect) is ‘a part of ourselves that we have tried to hide or deny. It contains all those dark aspects we believe are not acceptable to our family, friends and most importantly, ourselves’ (Ford:1998:1),
But rather than fear our anger, what if we were taught that it was okay to be angry, that actually anger is sometimes necessary. Whilst I’m not saying anger is an ideal quality, I recognise that like all emotions, it can be used as a tool to understand ourselves more deeply. Emotions are indicators our situation and what is around us. Personally, I believe anger is there to teach us something - like all emotions, especially those we are ashamed of, they are clues which can lead us to our triggers, or deeper still, to our core wounds.
‘Everything we hate, resist, disown about ourselves takes a life of its own, undermining our feelings of worthiness’ (Ford:1998:11). The more we suppress them the more harmful they can be. The longer you let something fester, the more it eats away at you. If you allow yourself to feel it and explore why it has come up for you, it no longer has that power over you.
In the book ‘The Dark Side of the Light Chasers’ by Debbie Ford, she talks about how all the qualities you deem as negative have at one point been necessary. She gives the example of a lady who was terrified of being labelled a b*tch. She explains why it is necessary to be a bitch at times and that actually in reclaiming that part of herself, the lady was able to offer her compassion and see herself in a different light, as a more whole and complete being.
`We are here to learn from all these aspects of parts of ourselves and make peace with them. To be truly authentic persons, we have to allow the aspects of ourselves that we love and accept to coexist with all the aspects of ourselves that we judge and make wrong. When we can lovingly hold all of these traits together in one hand, without judgement, they will naturally integrate into our system. Then we can take off our masks and trust that the universe created each of us with a divine design. Then we can stand tall, embracing the world within (Ford: 1998:89)’.
Expression of the traits we deem to be negative such as anger, is important in order to release it in a healthy way. The more we suppress these emotions the more they eat away at us. Marisa Peers states that the quicker we are able to express our hurt- in close proximity to when we felt hurt, the healthier it is. The longer we wait the more the emotion festers and eats away at us. This is part of the forgiveness step - part of the forgiveness to forgive yourself for feeling these emotions. You need to own them - when you own these parts of yourself often called “shadow aspects” they no longer have power over you.
So as Debbie Ford suggests, to own being a bitch, it’s necessary to be a bitch sometimes to get what we want and deserve. Reclaim the anger you feel, see how your anger has served you and helped you. If I wasn’t angry I never would have written my first poetry book, and the second one too, without it I would have never become a writer. It all serves a purpose.
So, how has your anger served you?
Sources:
Anderson, S. (2000), The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, Berkley Books, New York, USA.
Ford, D. (1998), The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Riverhead Books, USA.
Signs.
Have you ever wondered if you are on the right path? Do you feel like you need a sign?
Sometimes it's difficult to know if we are following our intuition and purpose, or whether we are acting from a place of fear and insecurity. I know a lot of people at the beginning of their spiritual journey struggle to tune into their intuition. It can often be clouded by fear, limiting beliefs and mistrust in ourselves. In such cases when you are in need of guidance, confirmation or clarification, you can ask for a sign from God, the Universe, your higher self or whatever works for you. A sign is a signal that you are on the right path.
What exactly are signs? How do you know what your sign is?
Many spiritual teachers suggest the sign should be the first thing that comes to your mind. It could be a sequence of numbers like “1111”, an animal, a song, a flower whatever comes to your mind. It could be something you feel drawn to, for me, it's a Robin. There are other animals I use as a sign when I’m asking for guidance on something very specific, but I’m also open to all the signs and synchronicities the Universe/God wants to give me. Everything holds some significance if only you choose to see it. For example, repeated numbers like 11:11 have meaning (numerology), and it’s often the first thing you to see at the beginning of your spiritual journey. Once you’ve picked your sign, or perhaps your sign has picked you, all you have to do is ask.
How to ask for a sign
Ask the Universe to send you a clear or obvious sign within a specific time frame. Gabby Bernstein has a specific way of communicating a deadline with the universe. She suggests: “Thank you, universe, for showing me my sign of ____ within 24 hours if ____ is right for me.” Alternatively, using my example of a Robin, you could say "Ok Universe, send me a clear sign of a Robin within the next 24 hours if I'm supposed to go through with this decision", or whatever you want to ask about.
The irony of this post is that I asked for a sign as confirmation to write this blogpost about signs! I simply asked “Dear God/The Universe please send me a sign of a Robin in the next 24 hours if writing this blog post is for the highest and greatest for all, thank you”. Evidently the Universe gave me the sign, in fact, just after I asked, despite being on a walk, I felt the need to pull out my phone and look at instagram. The first post I saw was a picture of a Robin and someone sharing their experience of the robin nodding its head and following her. Just to double confirm, I silently put the thought out there that I’m open to all the signs and synchronicities and I proceed to see four other robins in person! Just after, I looked up to see one perched in the tree directly above me, singing it’s sweet song. Another one stopped on a low hanging branch, allowed me to take several photos of it and waited for me to carry on walking. Even when I turned back around I saw it was still perched and looking directly at me. I know this all sounds a little bat s*** crazy to some but all that I ask is you try asking and remain open to receiving a sign.
If you are just starting to ask for signs, it’s best to have a simple "Yes" or "No" question that you want to be answered and remember to ask for a clear direction. You will know the answer to your question is "Yes" if you see the sign within the time frame that you pick, or you'll know that the answer is "No" if you don't see your sign by then. And if it is "No", don't panic, it usually just means the Universe is trying to redirect you or there something even better is in store.
Ask away and let me know if it worked for you too.
Reference:
Bernstein, G., (2020), How to Ask the Universe for a Sign and Trust the Guidance You Receive - Gabby Bernstein [online].
The Path Back Home To Self
I share a lot with you all, especially about healing. I think it’s important to be open and to share our experiences as it gives others permission to do the same and could help them in ways we could not imagine.
I’ve had a few revelations after listening to an Expanded podcast episode by To Be Magnetic featuring Atarah Valentine, one of their previous coaches. One of the qualities he was working to heal was how he constantly needed validation. Atarah recognised that he felt shame and fear around revealing his healing journey around feeling seen and heard. These are some things I myself continue to struggle with. So, to combat this, Atarah forced himself to share every part of the healing journey with the world. He said once he realised that actually no one cared it was liberating for himself and he stopped worrying or ruminating on what others thought of him. He no longer needed their validation or approval. I have been secretly searching, seeking and wanting validation. I see that now. Perhaps the inner child part of myself that sometimes felt neglected, not heard or seen (through no fault of my parents) who did the best they could with what they knew during some very difficult times. I also recognise my need to carefully curate what I share with you all. I am reluctant to speak about things I feel a sense of vulnerability or shame around. And, I don’t often share what I have been going through until I’ve had time to sit, process and make sense of it. However after listening to this podcast, I felt the need to share more openly with you all how I have been feeling and what I have been working through.
Slowly and persistently I have tried to shed the layers, I’ve achingly chipped away at the programming, the walls, the defences in hopes it would reveal the root of it all. Hoping that each shedding would be the last. I know that healing requires commitment, an understanding that it's a constant process, though secretly I had hoped that after trying each new modality I would be healed and I could finally be free to live my life in the present moment.
Recently, I have been witnessing myself, stuck ridgid, afraid. I feel like a cage bird or perhaps a better way to describe it is like a person covered in layers of plaster. Unmoving, stuck and weighed down under hundreds of levels of shame, grief, unworthiness. Experiencing feelings and holding beliefs that I am unlovable, undeserving, not enough, that there is something wrong with me. Asking myself why can’t I be “normal”? Why can I not be spontaneous, wild, confident and free? That's what I want, I want to be free, I want to flow, I want to feel expanded, empowered and confident within me.
To add to that, I have noticed a deep disconnect from my physical body, I have an inability to stay present within it. I end up disassociating or intellectualising rather than just giving myself permission to feel. I now know this to be connected to hypervigilance as discussed in last week’s blog post. My relationship with my body is well documented, I have previously explained my feelings of shame, embarrassment and disgust (at times) I held/ hold towards my body. But it is my inability to feel present and connect to my body that I have felt called to heal presently as it means that I cannot be present or allow others to connect with my body either. How can I invite in a conscious partner or relationship if I cannot connect with myself?
Recently, I have grown exhausted and frustrated with myself and my healing journey, forgetting it is indeed a never ending journey rather than a finish line. Over the years I have tried many modalities of healing counselling, therapy, CBT, hypnosis,coaching, inner child healing, emotion code and reiki of which have served their purpose. Each modality helped me to shed another layer, to help me get closer to my authentic self - letting go of limiting beliefs, conditioning, stories I have been holding onto. Whilst most of these modalities deal with healing the energetic, emotional, or psychological body. As I mentioned recently I have been called to heal my physical body.
We all know that feeling is healing so in an attempt to gain control over my body and to feel confident and empowered, I embarked upon my latest healing escapade, somatic healing. For those who do not know, somatic healing is a body focused healing therapy. Often classed as an alternative therapy aimed at treating trauma and stressor related disorders like PTSD. Somatic techniques are used when an individual is having a difficult time controlling the tension and discomfort of their muscles. It is the result of memories or traumatic experiences that have been repressed and forgotten about consciously – although the subconscious has yet to deal with the experience. The body remembers that which we do not, as they say, the body keeps the score. The purpose of such treatments is to release trauma from the body. The therapy requires the person to check in with their body—just observe what they're feeling, what they're noticing in their bodies, allowing the body to take the lead, which is something I have rarely allowed. Usually I lead with my head, (intellectualising again).
My first session was interesting because I had no idea what to expect. I hadn’t really done too much research. I heard a few podcasts that spoke highly of the therapy and I just followed my intuition to help guide me in finding a practitioner. It felt very strange and weird at first. I couldn’t even connect enough to know where or how my body wanted to move. I began with tuning into where there was discomfort (my left shoulder) bringing awareness to it and feeling how I needed to move it. It felt like it needed stretching at first then before I knew it I began to make movements. I can only really describe it as a form of interpretive dance. In an attempt to feel more embodied we must first release the things that keep us from this. Allowing our body to play out the trauma like it is telling a story of what it endured, what happened to it, to us. This was just my first session, I plan to have more when I can commit to regularly having them.
It was and still is uncomfortable to confront these feelings, emotions and experiences. But, I was reminded that if we don’t do the work, we will continue to allow these old stories to run our present day reality and ultimately our future. Showing up for ourselves by doing the work to heal no matter how difficult and slow the process is, gives us the knowledge and freedom to choose who we want to be, to show up differently. The ultimate goal of doing this work is to allow ourselves to show up authentically as whole, complete, empowered and loving versions of ourselves. We must only be willing to go the distance, to commit and keep committing to be the best version of ourselves and to do everything in our power to become our authentic selves.
With this in mind, I will leave you with the quote Gabby Bernstein. “My willingness to see beyond a world of limitations allowed me to begin the process of stepping into a better future. That willingness is what allowed me to heal myself so that I could help others heal and make an impact on the world. But before I could embrace a new vision for my life I had to face the wounds of my past that were keeping me down…In retrospective I can see how spirit was guiding me every step of the way, every therapist, yoga teacher, spiritual book or healer was divinely planted into my life at the exact moments I needed them in order to take the next steps on my journey. It was all divine guidance”.
Affirmation: I witness the resistant part of myself and I am willing to feel empowered and confident in my body
Note: you can change the affirmation to suit your needs: I witness the resistant part of myself and I am willing to feel _________
With love,
Talesha x
The stories we tell ourselves determines our quality of life
A while ago I attended a webinar by Tony Robbins, he said something that really stuck with me…Tony says “the only thing keeping you from what you want in the world is the story you keep telling yourself. In order to change your life, you need to change your story.”
He states that “our limiting beliefs keep us suffering. Our beliefs create and our beliefs destroy the quality of life we want.” Our beliefs about ourselves have so much power over us.
Tony suggests, in order for us to create lasting change we need to understand the principle of identity. He believes that our “identity” is the strongest force in the human personality which is needed to stay consistent with how we define ourselves.
We often define ourselves by what we are not - if this is negative then we strive to keep that belief because that is our identity. We want more for ourselves but believe this identity we have created is “who I am” so you stay comfortable. In other words we sabotage anything we subconsciously believe does not fit the identity, beliefs and stories we have created about ourselves. Consequently, our beliefs and thoughts become self fulfilling.
A way in which we keep hold of these beliefs is through the language we use and how we speak about ourselves. We all engage in emotions, behaviours or activities we are not proud of but we begin to take ownership of them. For example we say “I am a procrastinator” as opposed to “I procrastinated” and “I am angry” rather than “I feel angry”. We constantly repeat these beliefs, weaving it into our story of who we are, we make it part of our identity and as we have already established, there’s no more powerful force than identity.
I have been trying to become more aware of how I speak to myself and about myself, listening out to the narrative I am creating. The story I was frequently telling myself was that I have no self control when it comes to my eating habits or binge watching tv series and that I lacked consistency in life. I noticed the actions or inaction I was taking to prove this and reaffirm this identity I had formed.
I wanted to change this and in order to do this, I needed to disprove the beliefs about myself I created. I did this by thinking of examples when I have shown consistency and commitment to disprove this inaccurate and distorted view of myself I had.
I thought back upon when I had a daily commitment to go for a walk and to read 10 pages of a self development book a day. Whilst I have periods or days where I haven’t done it consistently (like right now), I have in the past committed to being consistent for 75 days in a row whilst doing the mental resilience challenge, 75hard. This is the longest streak I can remember. This commitment to myself demonstrated self control and determination, the opposite of the story I have been telling myself. I currently have a weekly commitment to write a blog post once a week, as of yet, I have not broken this commitment. This is reaffirming the new identity of being a consistent person and proving to myself that I do not break commitments to myself. This is my new story.
As I mentioned above, of course there have been times when I have fallen off track with these habits. I used to believe this meant failure, affirming I have no self control and that I am inconsistent, but I see it differently now. I recognise I am committed to get back on track even when I don’t want to. I recognize that I’ve fallen off track, but this is not who I want to be and I persevere to get back on track. This commitment to continue realign to my goals demonstrates my true character. It’s the renewing of the commitment time and time again. It’s choosing not to allow this “failure” to be final.
What is the story you have been telling yourself? What beliefs about yourself do you have? Do they align with who you want to be?
I want to invite you to examine the stories you have been telling yourself and to rewrite them.
Change your story, change your life.
With love,
Just for today…
Just for today do not worry
Just for today do not be angry
These are two of the five Reiki principles.
Since learning them I have found great comfort in repeating them. I return to them and allow these principles to guide me especially when I have noticed myself starting to spiral down an anxious or negative self talk rabbit hole.
My Teacher Annamarie shared the Reiki principles and expanded on their teachings.
Just for today - Do not anger, she says we say “just for today” as a recognition of the impermanence of our perceived world. As the world is impermanent there is little point in the emotion of anger because in itself anger achieves nothing positive. It only serves to increase one’s internal stress. We can of course channel anger into a positive action, to rid us of its negative qualities.
Just for today - Do not worry - once again we reaffirm the impermanence of the world and realise that worry is also a valueless emotion. What do we achieve by worrying? Absolutely nothing - what is, is and all the worrying in the world will not change it. It is better to take direct action to modify a given situation.
As someone who worries a lot and I’m trying to notice without judgement my negative self talk in an attempt to correct it. These principles are good to repeat as a way to be mindful of our thoughts and return us back to the present moment where we can choose again - picking a different thought entirely.
Additionally, in the book The Reiki Way - the author Bridgitte writes “just for today is not a promise, it’s a practice. The principles aren't a vow we take for life, they are just for today. We don’t need to worry about tomorrow or get angry about yesterday. Our entire existence and the only thing we can ever manage is all happening in this current day. The first step of getting free is realising that we only have this moment. If we enter it the way we enter a room, we can take in everything the new space holds for us (page 69).”
I think there is something really comforting in this and I hope it has helped you too,
With love,
Talesha x