Unlearning Silence: The Day I Realised Speaking Up Would Cost Me Being Liked
There’s a moment I don’t think we talk about enough.
Not the moment you decide to speak up…
But the moment you realise what it’s going to cost you.
For me, that moment didn’t happen all at once.
It happened in layers.
In conversations where I questioned things I’d always stayed quiet about…
In environments where I chose honesty over being agreeable…
In spaces where I stopped bending, even when it would have been easier.
And slowly, I began to see a pattern.
Every time I chose truth over comfort…
Something shifted.
The Identity I Was Letting Go Of
For most of my life, I was “easy.”
The one who:
didn’t challenge things
didn’t make people uncomfortable
kept the peace, even when it meant abandoning myself
And if you’re a brown woman, you’ll understand this on a deeper level.
Because we’re not just taught to be kind…
We’re taught to be:
agreeable
respectful at all costs
mindful of how we’re perceived
aware of family, reputation, and expectations
So silence doesn’t feel like suppression.
It feels like who you are.
The Moment Everything Shifted
One of the clearest moments for me happened in a professional setting.
I was asked to do something that didn’t sit right with me.
To go against my own values of honesty and integrity.
And in that moment, I had a choice:
stay quiet and be compliant
or speak up and risk being seen as “difficult”
I chose to speak up.
Not loudly.
Not aggressively.
Just clearly.
I said no.
And what followed wasn’t respect…
It was subtle tension.
A shift in how I was perceived.
A sense that I was no longer “easy.”
Eventually, I was pushed out.
And at the time, it felt confusing.
Because I remember thinking:
“I did the right thing… so why does this feel like I’m the problem?”
What I Know Now
Now, I understand something I didn’t then:
When you stop being compliant, you stop being convenient.
And not everyone knows how to meet you in that version of yourself.
There were other moments too.
Times where I questioned things that weren’t meant to be questioned.
Times where I asked “why” instead of just accepting what I was told.
And the response wasn’t always openness.
Sometimes it was discomfort.
Sometimes defensiveness.
Sometimes… dismissal.
And again, that same feeling surfaced:
“Why does speaking up make me the difficult one?”
The Cultural Layer We Don’t Always Name
There’s also another layer to this that’s harder to explain… but so important to name.
Because for many brown women, speaking up isn’t just uncomfortable — it can feel like a violation of something deeper.
We’re often raised with an unspoken understanding:
respect elders
don’t challenge authority
keep the peace
don’t bring shame
So when you start to question things…
When you express discomfort…
When you say “this doesn’t feel right to me”…
It’s not always received as self-expression.
Sometimes, it’s received as disrespect.
And that creates an internal conflict that’s hard to put into words.
Because you’re not just thinking:
“Am I allowed to say this?”
You’re thinking:
“Am I being a bad daughter?
Am I doing something wrong?
Am I crossing a line I was never meant to cross?”
And that’s why the aftermath of speaking up can feel so heavy.
Because it’s not just about the moment…
It’s about everything it represents.
The Grief of Being Misunderstood
This is the part that stays with you.
Not the speaking up itself…
But what comes after.
The shift in energy.
The distance.
The unspoken tension.
There is a grief in being misunderstood.
A grief in realising that:
people preferred you when you were quieter
things felt easier when you didn’t challenge anything
your truth doesn’t always get met with understanding
And if I’m really honest…
There were moments I questioned myself.
Wondered if it would just be easier to go back to who I was before.
To soften it.
To stay quiet.
To be liked.
The Deeper Layer (Why This Happens)
Looking back, it makes sense.
Because when you grow up in environments where speaking up feels unsafe, emotionally, culturally, or relationally…
You learn to pause.
To filter.
To think carefully before you speak.
Not because you’re inauthentic…
But because your body learned:
“There are consequences for being fully expressed.”
I’ve had people reflect this back to me before.
That I take my time when I speak.
That I think before I say things.
And for a long time, I questioned that.
But now I understand it differently.
That was a protective response.
A learned way of navigating spaces where being fully myself didn’t always feel safe.
Reclaiming My Voice
Unlearning silence isn’t about becoming louder.
It’s about becoming more honest.
It’s about saying:
“That doesn’t sit right with me.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I see this differently.”
Without feeling like you need to shrink straight after.
If You’re In This Season…
If you’re in that space right now…
Where speaking up feels uncomfortable…
Where you’re noticing shifts in how people respond to you…
Where you feel the weight of being misunderstood…
I want you to know this:
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re just no longer abandoning yourself to make other people comfortable.
And yes…
In some people’s stories, that might make you the villain.
But in your own?
You’re finally telling the truth.
👉🏽 Listen to the full episode here